Following the very sad news of his death earlier this week, we’re remembering Frank Sidebottom in this post. Ahead of the last World Cup, in Germany in 2006, Sidebottom gave tips and predictions to a special World Cup blog on 4thegame.com. Here are those tips…
FRANK SIDEBOTTOM’S WORLD CUP TIPS. NUMBER ONE.
Soaking your football boots in vinegar and baking them in oven for 90 minutes at gas mark 7 makes them very very much harder than your opponent’s!…. But this is frowned upon by FIFA (or is it the World Conker Federation!) Frank Sidebottom. Thank you.
FRANK SIDEBOTTOM’S WORLD CUP TIPS. NUMBER TWO.
15,000 partisan fans behind the goal blowing en masse can stop a football crossing the line or with mass inhalation vice versa. Or a stand of mixed fans 50/50 will just result in a stalemate, as experienced in the England 1966 World Cup 3rd goal (just listen to the soundtrack if you donn’t believe me)
FRANK SIDEBOTTOM’S WORLD CUP TIPS. NUMBER THREE.
World Cup referees should be paid by the pedometer only, instead of political payments, bribes, time off work and the usual gifts: engraved spoons of the name of the town.
FRANK SIDEBOTTOM’S WORLD CUP TIPS. NUMBER FOUR.
Allowing English players a half-time hair do would help to confuse the opponent marking them in the next 45 minutes and with extra time we could see a perm/mullet/comb-over on one player all in the one match.
FRANK SIDEBOTTOM’S WORLD CUP TIPS. NUMBER FIVE.
Well, we’re well on the way to win the World Cup!!!! With an ace win under our belt already - and no sign of cheating…yet. Unlike the last time when we won it, when, to get more power on headers (mentioning no names), Nobby Charlton wore a pink crash helmet with his hair combed over it!!!
FRANK SIDEBOTTOM’S WORLD CUP TIPS. NUMBER SIX.
First World Cup Subbuteo team I ever got was Uruguay (sky blue shirts/black panties) this was the days when Richard Jones’s mum hand painted the players shirts for Waddington in the 60’s. They print the kit now, don’t you know? They can do any strip! In fact they even did an edition of my “Timperley Bigshorts FC” Sunday football team, but it has now been withdrawn as one of the players kept falling over…he wasn’t weighted right…he had a rather large head.
FRANK SIDEBOTTOM’S WORLD CUP TIPS. NUMBER SEVEN.
I am in dilemma what to wear for today’s game…As me mum has washed my England home, away and goalie shirts and they are still not dry yet. The same dilemma happened to Ian Broudie, David Baddiel and Frank Skinner in 96…inspiring their haunting ballad…“3 shirts on me line”
FRANK SIDEBOTTOM’S WORLD CUP TIPS. NUMBER EIGHT.
Just as a matter of interest….. I thought you might like to know that I once played against a full sized real helicopter as pre match entertainment at Altrincham FC!…With the blades going full blast it was hard work getting the ball past it….and also tricky going round it on either wing, resulting in many a throw in to me, but once round and past it, it was a doddle Final Score Frank Sidebottom 2 Helicopter 0
FRANK SIDEBOTTOM’S WORLD CUP TIPS. NUMBER NINE.
When Jules Verne was asked to design the World Cup he went to his betamax video collection and pulled out the first tape with the word football written on the spine. But being dyslexic what he pulled out was the 1950’s sci-fi B movie Batfool, about a giant alien space craft which dumps 10,000,000 tons of deadly goo on to planet Earth. Which he proceeded to insert into his betamax player upside down. If you don’t believe me…go and find any picture of the World Cup and turn it upside down.
FRANK SIDEBOTTOM’S WORLD CUP TIPS. NUMBER TEN.
Well I see the refs are at it already, now that they are being paid by pedometer (see previous entry) playing on well over the 90 minutes until Germany got their winner. At least I hope it’s pedometer not bribery Not that it’s new to anyone in England. The refs have been doing that for years at Old Trafford, where it is not unusual to still be playing on for a United winner as another team join them for kick off the following Saturday. Highlights of Manchester United versus Aston Villa with Bolton available on DVD from the Nobby Charlton Souvenir Shop 19.95 Euros.
FRANK SIDEBOTTOM’S WORLD CUP TIPS. NUMBER ELEVEN.
Panini stickers are really fantastic. Especially when they do the World Cup. You don’t have to lick ‘em. Just peel and stick ‘em. And it only costs a grand to fill the book.
FRANK SIDEBOTTOM’S WORLD CUP TIPS. NUMBER TWELVE.
So why don’t we have World Cup Willie as our mascot anymore??? Well it’s little known but true fact…In the 90’s I did the first two seasons as “Moonchester” the then new Manchester City Blue Moon Mascot…But I had to give it up after I hurt my knee when the entire Tranmere Rovers team did a “pile on” on me. Also despite having an electric fan fitted inside I found it very hot and claustrophobic…no I just can’t work in a mask.
FRANK SIDEBOTTOM’S WORLD CUP TIPS. NUMBER THIRTEEN.
I was once asked to write a review of a George Best video…But the review copy they gave me was the wrong video format so after spooling over the tape from the VHS case to an empty Betamax one, I think I must have spooled it back to front as the review of his life read, “George Best started life very old, with very long hair and girls seemed to back away from him as he regurgitated drinks into glasses but as he got younger as his hair got shorter he developed and uncanny knack in footballing skill to be able to suck a ball out of the net and onto his boot and then dribbled it the whole length of the pitch whilst running backwards.” Just as a matter of interest, my cousin Martin worked at the George Best Boutique…
FRANK SIDEBOTTOM’S WORLD CUP TIPS. NUMBER FOURTEEN.
It is a little known but true fact… that I was responsible for bringing big shorts back into football in the 90’s. It was a 5 year campaign which I started after seeing the 85 FA Cup Final when boith teams turned up wearing Abba’s hot pants. But after me doing a team kit catwalk parade for Umbro it was Scotland’s manager who phoned up and demanded “Can you make us some big shorts like Sidebottom’s” Tottenham followed after Gazza was in a daily newspaper wearing some of our shorts… And the rest is history. But I still have fond memories of our goalie from my Sunday football league team Timperley Bigshorts FC being sent off at Hough End for wearing shorts that were too big.
FRANK SIDEBOTTOM’S WORLD CUP TIPS. NUMBER FOURTEEN.
Tired of the same old weary World Cup TV commentary by the same weary old TV commentators?…Then try this fantastic tip. Turn the sound down on your telly and play the soundtrack from your favourite film in off your video or DVD, try it, it really works and sometimes it’s quite uncanny how the dialogue and music fits suggested titles. I’ve tried 12 Angry Men, The Empire Strikes Back, Bridge over the River Kwai and Carry On up the Khyber (for French games anything by Jacques Tati)…Any belters you try pass ‘em on.
FRANK SIDEBOTTOM’S WORLD CUP TIPS. NUMBER FIFTEEN.
Bonjour…well my blood was tingling down the left hand side of my head. Yes I should have felt it from the start…and I’m straight off down the bookies to change my bet! Yes it’s got to be France for 4th place…It’s a dead cert. I should have known when I got that feeling in my bones, coz I’m part French (I think). France-woir Sid-ee-bow-tem, well that’s how the vicar pronounced it when I was christened. And I said to him my very first words “Quel heure est-il?” With one eye on the 3 o’clock kick off at Alty. What better tribute can I give back to the country that named their money after me, than put my money (and Petit France-woir’s) back on them. Merci Beaucoup.
FRANK SIDEBOTTOM’S WORLD CUP TIPS. NUMBER SIXTEEN.
I was gazing at the stars last night thinking how I’d love to be cheering the lads over in Germany but me mum said “It’s too farover to go and watch football” when suddenly I thought it won’t just be the World Cup. It’ll be Earth FC playing for the Universe Cup. Depending where the finals are held different gravities could play havoc with volleys, throw-ins and jumping for corners. There’d be no arguing with referees as they would be space robots with evil death rays. I do hope my mum will let me go and support them, otherwise there’ll be no atmosphere. (like some premiership grounds I can mention).
FRANK SIDEBOTTOM’S WORLD CUP TIPS. NUMBER SEVENTEEN.
Rooney and Sven had better keep themselves scarce and accountable for a while as Greater Manchester Police and indeed all forces throughout the UK gear up for a gluttonous crime wave - a spate of bank robberies, post office hold ups and smash ‘n grabs by rubber masked Rooneys and Svens, now that Tesco’s selling them in their bargain bins. At least I can rest assured that the coppers won’t be feeling my collar or turn-ups as the masks won’t fit me - believe me I’ve tried. Frank Sidebottom. Thank You.
FRANK SIDEBOTTOM’S WORLD CUP TIPS. NUMBER EIGHTEEN.
So here we go…we’re building to the big decider ‘who’s going to finish in 4th place’… and my money is still on France. Thinking about it…. it would be quite easy for a team to rig themselves into 4th place at this stage of the competition… in fact very easy. I wonder if Domenech would take 50% of my Pound at 5 to 4 on at William Hills, split 11 ways…. and would he take a postal order. Anyway what is 11.3 new pence less tax in euros…nnrrugh… I don’t think they have post offices abroad…. no…. I’ll keep my winnings.
FRANK SIDEBOTTOM’S WORLD CUP TIPS. NUMBER EIGHTEEN.
Achtung! Achtung! Wer ist da? Artzt. Arzt Wer. Arzt Deutschland – das dritte platz laufen auf in das Wet Tasse. Sie Wissen es ist, sie wirklich ist. Danke Schon.
FRANK SIDEBOTTOM’S WORLD CUP TIPS. NUMBER NINETEEN.
Well I think it’s all over bar the shouting and what an expensive World Cup this has turned out to be … and I’m not talking about all my wasted
What a rip-off. Just like Christmas. I’m staying under the covers for the next World Cup… unless of course Cameroon are in it.