Tame Jokes R Us

[K@mpso]

Mrs. Botchagalupe comes to visit her son Anthony for dinner. Anthony lives
with a female roommate, Maria.

During the course of the meal, Mama can't help but notice how pretty
Anthony's roommate is. She had long been suspicious of the relationship
between the two, and this made her more curious. Over the course of the
evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there
was more between Anthony and his roommate than meets the eye.

Reading his Mom's thoughts, Anthony volunteered, "I know what you must be
thinking, but I assure you, Mama, Maria and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Maria cameos to Anthony saying, "Ever since your
mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" Well, I doubt it, but I'll e-mail her, just
to be sure."

So he sends his Mom an email:

"Dear Momma, I'm not saying that you took the sugar bowl from my house,
and I'm not saying that you didn't take it. But the fact remains that it has
been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love, Anthony"

Several days later, Anthony receives an email response from his Momma.

"Figlio mio,

I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Maria, and I'm not saying that you
'do not' sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in
her own bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now.

Love, Momma"

MORAL: Never lie to your Momma

[Smiffyboy]

I hate you Kampso :no:

[Dawg]

Me: I know a man with a wooden leg named Smith

Person: What was the name of his other leg?

[BillyWhizz]

Whats got two legs and bleeds?

Half a dog.

[OneGaryJohnson]

why did the chicken dross the road???

to get to the other side

[Diamonds Fan]

What key can open any lock?

A pikey

[Smiffyboy]

Whats got two legs and bleeds?

Half a dog.
What if you cut the top half off the dog? Then he'd have four legs (or no legs, depending on what half you picked).

[Rafalution]

Pretty good. But that's the mood i'm in at the moment.

[StretfordEnd]

The other day I phoned my local pizza delivery firm and asked for a thin and
crusty supreme. They sent me Diana Ross.




Sean Connery gets a call from his agent one day. The agent says, "Sean,I've got you a job, starts tomorrow, early. You'll have to be there for 10-ish".

Sean furrows his brow and says "Tennish? but I don't even have a racket."

[Smiffyboy]

*titter*

[ScottyP]

Why did the skeleton cross the road?

To get to the 2nd hand shop.

Very lame

[StretfordEnd]

Guy walks into a bar, sits down next to another guy and immediately notices the guy has a very large Bic cigarette lighter. The first guy says "Wow, cool lighter...where did you get it?"

"A genie from a bottle granted me one wish."

"Great, can I try it?"

"Sure."

First guy rubs the bottle and the genie appears.

"You are granted one wish", says the genie.

The guy says, "I want a million bucks!"

"Done" says the genie and disappears. A few minutes go by and suddenly the bar door swings open and in come pouring in ducks. Thousands and thousands and thousands of ducks falling all over each other through the bar door.

"I can't believe this," says the guy who had just placed his wish, "I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!"

The second guy then says, "Did you really think I wished for a 12 inch Bic?"

:rolleyes:

[Rafalution]

One day mama bear and papa bear were getting a divorce. The judge decided that baby bear was going to live with mama bear.
Baby bear started to cry . "Whats wrong?" the judge asked baby bear.

"I dont want to live with mama bear, she abuses me!" said baby bear.

"Then, you can live with papa bear" said the judge.

Baby bear started to cry even harder the judge asked him, "Whats wrong?" Baby bear replied, " I dont want to live with papa bear he abuses me even more than mama bear does."

"Then who do you want to live with?" asked the judge.

Baby bear replied, "I want to live with the Baylor Bears, because they don't beat anyone!"

[Rafalution]

An old man was in bed with his wife when suddenly he let out a loud fart. He yelled, "7 points!"
His wife looked at him and said, "What the hell are you doing?"

He simply replied, "Just playing bed football."

Ten minutes later the wife let a loud one and said, "Tie game - 7,7."

The husband's competitive side kicked in and he started starting straining... when suddenly he crapped his pants! His wife looks over and said, "Now what's the score?"

He said, "Still 7,7. End of quarter switch sides!!!"

[51andCounting]

What do you get hanging from an apple tree?

Sore arms.


What's white and wears yellow tartan?

Rupert the fridge

[Smiffyboy]

Rafalution - You would win the award for shittest joke in the universe if it wasn't for the fact that Scotty_P was born.

[Dr Trundle]

My dog has no nose...

[Rafalution]

The Baylor bears joke was really bad, i know. :no: never again will i post bad jokes like that one ever again.

[Smiffyboy]

Did it bleed to death?

[Jonesy]

Me: I know a man with a wooden leg named Smith

Person: What was the name of his other leg?

I had no idea you like merry poppins doug :smokin:

[Dawg]

Me: I'm sorry... I've just ran over your cat

Person: Oh no, I can't believe it.

Me: I'd like to replace your cat.

Person: That's nice of you and all, but how are you at catching mice?

[Pach]

What do you call a dog with no legs?

It doesn't matter, he won't come.

[Kelly_Owls]

"A primary school teacher starts her new job at Hoyland Primary in Barnsley, and to impress the pupils on her first day, she tells them all that she is a Barnsley fan, and asks all the pupils to raise their hands if they also support Barnsley.

Everyone in the class raises their hands except one little Girl Mary, the teacher looks at her in surprise and says "Mary, why did'nt you raise your hand", Mary replies "Because im not a Barnsley fan miss"

The teacher looking shocked then asked "Well who are you a fan of?"

"Im a Sheffield Wednesday fan Miss, and im proud of it" mary replied.

The teacher could not believe her ears, "why on earth are you a Sheffield Wednesday fan Mary"

"Because my mums from Sheffield and she's an Owl, my dads from Sheffield and he's an Owl, so that makes me an Owl".

"Well, said the teacher in a very annoeyed tone, thats no reason to support them. You dont have to be like your parents all the time. What if your mother was a prostitute, and your dad was a drug addict and car thief, what would you be then?"

Then Mary Smiled "I 'd be a Barnsley Fan Miss".........

[ccfctommy]

Sean Connery gets a call from his agent one day. The agent says, "Sean,I've got you a job, starts tomorrow, early. You'll have to be there for 10-ish".

Sean furrows his brow and says "Tennish? but I don't even have a racket."

The winner :laugh: