Stupid Instructions

[chairboy1]

Ive got a really pointless assignement in english language with a teacher who is a complete nobjockey. I need to analyse the language used in Instructions, so, has anyone got any ideas for some really stupid/ pointless instructions.

any sugestions accepted, copy and pasted, or links. Thanks :D

[Chelsea Blue]

Do your homework youself you lazy toerag.

[C@rl]

Ditto with CB

[chairboy1]

the homework isnt to find them, weve already been given some boring ones if we cba to find our own. The work is to analyse it, sentene structure and all that crap.

[peter_anderson]

so boring!
anyway i can't help you- i'm no good at english. if it was maths i could help you, though

[Andy]

Step guides.
Direct Language e.g 'You'.
The lexis is simple for people to follow.
Graphology.
Word Syntax.

[chairboy1]

i know what all the stuff means, and that they use the imperative tense and simple lexis. Its just that i want a really stupid example to piss off the teacher who is a complete cock.

PS. How to make a bomb has already been taken by some1 else

[WhoIzzet]

How to make instructions to piss off a teacher who is a complete c*ck.

[chairboy1]

How to make instructions to piss off a teacher who is a complete c*ck.

i have to show the source of the instruction, eg print off a webpage. so unless theres a webpage of this...................
otherwise that could be a winner lol

[Andy]

It's hardly the teachers fault if there teaching you how to pass your exams?

I did the same thing for A-Level English. Has to be done so you can learn the basics and go to the more complex stuff.

[WhoIzzet]

Can you not use this webpage?

[chairboy1]

It's hardly the teachers fault if there teaching you how to pass your exams?

I did the same thing for A-Level English. Has to be done so you can learn the basics and go to the more complex stuff.

No, this teacher is a cock in general, hes not a bad teacher, but he doesnt have a clue how to talk to people our age and is completely out of touch

Can you not use this webpage?

I think i may get a bit ruined if i actually printed off this lol, he's the kind of person who would just pass it on to another well strict teacher

[Copacetic]

On Sears hair dryer:
Do not use while sleeping.
On a bar of Dial soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap.
On some Swanson frozen dinners:
Serving suggestions: Defrost.
Printed on the bottom of Tesco Tiramisu dessert:
Do not turn upside down.
On Marks and Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating.
On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
Do not iron clothes on body.
On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine:
Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication.
On Nytol Sleep Aid:
Warning: May cause drowsiness.
On most brands of Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
On a Japanese food processor:
Not to be used for the other use.
On Sainsbury's peanuts:
Warning: Contains nuts.
On a child's Superman costume:
Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.
On a Swedish chain saw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.
On a toboggan:
Beware: Sledge may develop high speed under certain snow conditions.
On a knife sharpener:
Caution: knives are sharp.
Emergency safety procedures at a US summer camp:
In case of flood, proceed uphill. In case of flash flood proceed uphill quickly.
In a microwave oven manual:
Do not use for drying pets.
On a 500-piece jigsaw puzzle:
Some assembly required.
On a toilet cleaning brush:
Do not use orally.
On a can of Spray paint:
Do not spray in your face.
On a bottle of hair dye:
Do not use as Ice Cream topping.


Some interesting ones found on a google search.....

[chairboy1]

:hmmm, could be used, saw these earlier, i kind of need a short passage thjough, like 5 sentences rather than lots of 1 liners, then again i could piss him off loads by using loads of different ones:hmmm

[Andy]

How to make Tea.

Easy enough.

[StretfordEnd]

I don't read instructions, I'm male.

[chairboy1]

I don't read instructions, I'm male.


if i don't do it that'll be my excuse

[Andy]

I've never found instructions to be helpful even if i did resort to using them.