Bog Standard

[K@mpso]

Do you prefer the comfort of your own bog and its known surroundings as opposed to having to use facilities in your work, in bars/restaurants or indeed in other peoples houses???

Think of the dangers if you offload one that can't be flushed away for instance, not to mention the aroma wafting into the hallway etc etc.

Or do you just not give a shit???

[Marlin]

It was that night of mayhem and scenes missing known as Boys' Night Out. My friends and I did a bar tour. Seeing as how I had just completed another term of college, I went all out. I had nothing else other to do than to drink massive amounts of Killian's Irish.
I awoke the next day at 3:30, seeing as how being a drunk lush the night before made me incapable of waking earlier. After stumbling to obtain some lucozade from the fridge, I received a phone call. Turns out it was this very pretty girl whom I had started seeing a few weeks earlier. Being the sweet and surprising girl that she is, she informed me she was on her way over. After scampering to appear ready, I was soon riding back with her to her parents' house. I was a little panicked about this, because I feared the beer shits. However, I figured I would make up some excuse while at her house in order to get back to my place in case it happened.
After being there for a while, everything was going well. The parents (who had met me once before) asked if I wanted to stay for dinner. Since my new girl and I were in the new, awkward, can't-take-shits-in-front-of-you-yet stage, I was nervous about the beer shits. However, I could not say no to them because my girlfriend knew I had nothing else to do. And I didn't have time to think of a logical and valid excuse anyway.
Thirty minutes later, we ate. The steak dinner was nothing that would cause my anus to fear. I thought, "Hey, I'll have after-dinner conversation and then leave." It was me, my girlfriend, and her parents. They were doing exciting things that most middle-aged parents do, such as passing around baby pictures. When they came around to me, I dropped one. I bent over to pick it up and, to my anal horror, released an escapee.
It was one of those inner-anus farts that feel as if they aren't actually released. I turned red, and attributed my blushing by saying, "My family has an embarrassing picture of me like this, too!" I did a test sniff and realized I was damn lucky! It did not smell (I was fearing a SBD!), and thus went undetected.
Then my stomach started growling like it was at war with itself. I tried to cover it with generic laughter and fake coughs. But then, after that lower large intestine growl that is not a fart, but is not the same as your stomach growling, I realized the inevitable. I had to go. But I couldn't just leave yet! I started a spell of fake coughing and sniffling (it was valid -- it was cold the night before, and I hate bringing coats with me into bars), and excused myself to the bathroom.
I was hoping for a nice, smooth, easy glider -- you know, the one that does not even really need a wipe to remove buttcheese and ass juice. But my colon had other plans. The Killian's was ready to charge out of my rectum like a Frenchman away from war. I only had one good thing going for me: the bathroom was situated at the OTHER end of the house. I would have had to fake blowing my nose raw if the throne had been closer to them.
All hell broke loose as my ass exploded in anal glory. I tried to muffle the noises that are common with beer shits, but my sphincter was not strong enough to turn the tide of the anal tsunami. After the liquid-shit onslaught, the eye of my shit passed over, bringing with it a couple of solid chunks -- a return to normalcy.
After a few more splashes, I realized the paperwork for this porcelain prince would have to be not only efficient, but tedious. I had to remove ass juice. As you know, ass juice is the most difficult fecal remnant to remove. At my apartment, I could care less if I have to do some repeat flushes. However, flushing the toilet here two or three times might make known my business. I also had to worry about not clogging the toilet. At home, I have a plunger next to my toilet; not so here.
After using every square inch of the toilet paper, I had done the best to wipe away the buttcheese and ass juice. I knew I could not use any more toilet paper because I did not want to clog this sucker. I was almost safe! Other than worrying about them using the throne after me, I was in the clear. I turned around to salute my porcelain prince, and then flushed.
I was removing all the buttcheese and ass hairs from the toilet seat when, to my utter horror, I realized the toilet could not endure the full load. Some went down and some came back, leaving shredded toilet papers and the rest. I was careful to not use much paper, but I guess the water pressure at her house was different than at my apartment.
Now what would you do if you had a toilet that looked like Michael Jackson's asshole and would not flush completely? I couldn't just leave it there -- but flushing again was a gamble. Hoping to have the luck of the Killian's Irish with me, I flushed again.
Shit was spewing from the toilet. It had clogged completely and the water level was slowly rising. I knew it would soon spill over. I just stood there waiting, waiting for the cold, shitty water to hit the nice white rug hugging the toilet. So I did the only thing possible. I left the situation, locking the door first and then shutting it. That way, it would give me enough time to leave.
I knew they would find out what anal massacre awaited them in their bathroom, but I did not care as long as I was gone first. I just wanted to leave. So I returned to the table and, after ten more minutes, stated that I had to return home because I had to go to my Grandmother's house later that evening. To make matters worse, the whole ten minutes that I was sitting there I had the ass jiggles -- the problem of not being able to sit down comfortably after a huge shit.
The next day, my girlfriend and I hung out. I was scared to see her at first. But the only allusion that she made to me about the anal fiasco was, "Hee hee, don't worry."

I prefer shitting at home.

[James_F]

You show a good grasp of copying and pasting.

Either that or you are some sort of fast freak typer.

[Marlin]

If that were me do you really think I'd admit it here?

(I'd admit it in Questions.)

[The Game]

Can it get much lower than copying and pasting?

[James_F]

Originally posted by Marlin
If that were me do you really think I'd admit it here?

(I'd admit it in Questions.)


Well actually I didn't read it.

I suppose I should really.

(Questions - I was only on that for 3 days and it vanished)

[Marlin]

It moved.

And yes it could get lower. I could be a sad* and just post...


:yawn: :yawn: :yawn:

[James_F]

Feck, I didn't think I was that annoying ;)

[The Game]

The people United will never be defeated.

[Marlin]

Strange, I always had you down as a Frederic Rzewski fan.

:)

[The Truth]

He's been brilliant for Everton this season.


:clap:

[ourkid]

Originally posted by The Game
Can it get much lower than copying and pasting?

How about talking meaningless shite??

[The Truth]

:yawn:

[Swansea Til I die]

Cant beat your own bog.

[The Game]

I stand corrected.

[daz90]

Own bog.

[great white]

[great white]

:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

waits for it to be gone