NEWSFLASH

[SID]

REPORTS ARE COMING IN THAT USAMA BIN LADEN HAS HAD A MASSIVE HEARTATTACK!! ...APPARENTLY WHILE TRYING TOO MAKE LOVE TOO HIS WIFE HE OPENED HER LEG'S AND SAW BUSH!!

MORE NEWS.........

BARTHEZ AND BROWNE HAVE JOINED A CIRCUS!! ...BUT A STATEMENT FROM THE CIRCUS SAY'S "WE'VE GOT TOO MANY CLOWN'S AS IT IS SO THEY CAN'T JOIN!!!" ....ANOTHER SOURCE HAS SAID "MARY CHIPPERFIELD WILL HAVE THEM!!"



ANY MORE JOKES ANYONE?? A LITTLE LAUGHTER GOES A LONG WAY IN THESE ANXIOUS TIMES!!:wave:

[Rage]

lol come on you can do better than that cant you

[SID]

Originally posted by Rage Riot
lol come on you can do better than that cant you

MMMMM OK!! DID YOU HERE ABOUT THE TWO JUDGES WHO TRIED EACH OTHER!!


WHY DO WITCHES NEVER WEAR PANTIES?? ....BECAUSE IT GIVES THEM A BETTER GRIP WHEN RIDING ON A BROOMSTICK!!
:wave:

[Perfan]

:laugh: 3 vampire bats, John, Paul and Mark went into a vampire bat pub. John went to the bar and said "Can I have a pint of blood please" paid his money and sat down with his pint. Paul went up to the bar said "Pint of blood please" paid his money and sat down.Mark went up to the bar and said "Pint of hot water please" and sat down with his pint. John and Paul said to Mark "What's up with ya why aren't you drinking proper stuff you pussy?" Mark pulled out a used tampon and replied "I've got teabags"

[Red Devil]

A man was sitting on a London train eating a bag of fresh shrimps,
> > > ripping off the heads and shells and then throwing them out of the
> >window.
> > > After he had gobbled a few of them down an older woman opposite him
> >said,
> > > "Would you mind not doing that? It's disgusting to watch."
> > > "Listen love." He replied, "It's got nothing to do with you, I've paid
>
> >my
> > > fare for this journey and I'll do what I damn well want on this
> train."
> > > He carried on ripping off the shells, throwing them out of the window
> > > and eating the shrimps. Finally he finished the bag and settled back
> for
> > > a little sleep. The woman then started some knitting and all the man
> > > could hear while he was trying to sleep was the incessant clicking of
> >her
> > > knitting
> > > needles.
> > > After a while, he sits back up and says to the woman, "Could you stop
> > > that noise, can't you see I'm trying to sleep?"
> > > "It's got nothing to do with you," replies the old woman, "I've paid
> my
> > > fare
> > > and I'll do what I want on this train."
> > > At that, the man grabbed the woman's knitting and threw it out of the
> > > window. The woman immediately stood up and pulled the train alarm
> cord.
> > > The man burst out laughing and said, "Ha ha, you'll get fined 200
> Pounds
> > > for that!"
> > >
> > > To which the old woman replied, "And you'll get six years when the
> >police
> > > smell your fingers

[James_F]

Two buckets of sick were walking in front of me in the street and i evesdropped their convo.
One started crying.
The other goes, "why you crying??"
It replies, "cos this is where i was brought up."

No, really.

[super white]

lmao - james that joke is so poor its funny! :laugh:

[scobymcc]

Man Falls Asleep At Church...


One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the
local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my
husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very
embarrassing. What should I do?"

"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you.
I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will
motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a
good poke in the leg."

In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing
this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the
ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.

"Jesus!", Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the
hatpin.

"Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister. Soon, Mr.
Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is
your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards
Mrs. Jones.

"God!" Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.

"Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr.
Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not
notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few
motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her
husband with the hatpin again.

The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore
him his 99th son?"

Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that
goddamned thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half
and shove it up your ass!"

"Amen," replied the congregation.



:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

[scobymcc]

Man Who Loved Baked Beans Mark as unread


Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion
for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an
embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met
a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would
marry, he thought to himself, she'll never go through with the
marriage with me carrying on like this, so he made the supreme
sacrifice and gave up beans.

Shortly after that they were married. A few months later, on his
birthday and on the way home from work, his car broke down.
Since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her
that he would be late because he had to walk home. On his way
home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked
beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk
he figured he could walk off any ill affects before he got home.
It was, after all, his birthday. So he went in and ordered, and
before leaving had 3 extra large helpings of baked beans.

All the way home he putt-putted. By the time he arrived home he
felt reasonably safe. His wife met him at the door and seemed
somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most
wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She put a
blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the
table and made him promise not to peak. At this point he was
beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as his wife was
about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again
made him promise not to peek until she returned, and away she
went to answer the phone. While she was gone, he seized the
opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was
not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time
breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about
him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came
on. He raised his leg and RRIIPPP !!! It sounded like a diesel
engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he
tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would
dissipate. He got another urge. This was a real blue ribbon
winner, the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a
minute later the flowers on the table were dead.

With his blindfold still on, when he heard the phone farewells
he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top
of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when
his wife walked in. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if
he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he had not
peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled, "SURPRISE!!!"

To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated
around the table for his surprise birthday party.

[Swansea Til I die]

:fart: :fart: :laugh:

[athimick]

The canine criminals
Three rottweilers were in the waiting room at the vet's, and after a while they got talking. "I was walking with my master," says the first one, "when a thug attacked him, so I chased the guy, caught him by the throat and savaged him to death. That's why I'm being put down."
"I was at home," begins the second dog, "when a burglar broke in and tried to nick the TV. So I pinned him to the floor, bit his arm off, and now I've been brought here to be put down."
The third rottweiler then told his story. "I was patrolling the house one evening, and I wandered into the bathroom to see my master's wife naked, bending over the tub, so I leapt up and gave her a good seeing-to from behind."
"What, and you're being put down for that?"
"Oh, no I'm just here to get my claws clipped."

;) :laugh:

[SID]

THREE GUY'S WERE IN THE PUB HAVING THERE USUAL FRIDAY NIGHT GET TOGETHER,THE FIRST GUY WAS CALLED PETER AND HE SAID THAT EVERY TIME I MAKE LOVE TOO MY WIFE SHE FLOATS 5FT OFF THE BED!! SO SEE IF YOU CAN BEAT THAT ?? HE SAID!! ...THE OTHER TWO GUYS JULIAN AND ABDUL LOOKED AT HIM AND SAID YOUR ON !! AND WE BET £20 EACH THAT WE CAN BEAT YOU!!. AT THE END OF THE NIGHT THEY BID FAREWELL TO EACH OTHER AND GO HOME . A WEEK LATER THEY MEET UP IN THE USUAL PUB FOR A GOOD SESSION ....PETER SAYS I'VE GOT A NEW RECORD WHEN I FINISHED MAKEING LOVE TOO MY WIFE SHE ROSE 6FT OFF THE BED!! .....THATS NOTHING REPLIES JULIAN WHEN I FINISED MAKING LOVE TOO MY WIFE SHE ROSE 7FT OFF THE BED .....YOU'RE BOTH LOSERS SAID ABDUL BECAUSE WHEN I FINISHED MAKING LOVE TOO MY WIFE I WIPED MY COCK IN THE CURTAINS AND SHE HIT THE BLOODY ROOF!!:laugh:

WHAT DO YOU CALL TWO SKUNKS HAVING A 69ER?? .......ODOUR EATERS!!:wave:

[SID]

WHAT DO YOU CALL 2 SKUNK'S HAVING A 69ER?? ......ODOUR EATER'S!!:laugh: