Walked into the Chinese last night....

[51andCounting]

the chinese guy at the counter said to me "WACH-A-WA"

I said "a beef curry please"

he said "no, WACH-A-WA, it's just been painted"

[Gruffy]

mate...you really need to get out more

[No-One Likes Us]

Is this what passes for humour in Scotland?

[YipJaapStam]

:cry: :cry: :no: :no:

[Uncle33]

millions of jokes about Chinese out there and you have to pick that one. :no:

[mattledud]

I don't get it.

[James_F]

:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

I ****ing love shite jokes

[James_F]

Guy walks into a bar wearing brand new jeans, really tight. Wouldn't get a round of drinks in.

[51andCounting]

Originally posted by James_F
Guy walks into a bar wearing brand new jeans, really tight. Wouldn't get a round of drinks in.

:laugh:

[James_F]

You love it.

(This should now get me all last replied in Off topic)

[51andCounting]

walked into the butchers the other day there

I said to the butcher "I bet you, you couldn't reach the meat up that top shelf there"

the butcher said "how much you want to bet then?"

i said "fifty quid"

the butcher says "no, the stakes are too high"

[perth seagull]

Good God, you've out-done yourself! :eek:

[Bluetonic]

:laugh: made me chuckle anyway...not much though

[K@mpso]

Originally posted by James_F
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

I ****ing love shite jokes


This should appeal then

A man walked into a bar and immediately slipped over on a dog turd.
He cleaned himself up and took his place on a stool at the bar.

Another man walked into the bar and he too slipped on the dog turd.

"I just did that" said the first man, so the second man hit him.

[Shauny]

THIS GUY DOES NOT REPRESENT SCOTTISH PEOPLE !!

anyway...

"what do you call a shit in a wheelchair.....
..... A HANDYCRAP" !!!

[bindu]

Maybe he does represent Scottish humour though as my flatmate tells all these crap jokes as well! He can spend over four hours telling them.

Someone please save me

[MightyMancs]

Two of my mates got nicked the other day. One for drinking battery acid, the other for selling illegal fireworks . . .




. . . one got charged the other got let off . . .

[dundee_boy1985]

Originally posted by K@mpso
This should appeal then

A man walked into a bar and immediately slipped over on a dog turd.
He cleaned himself up and took his place on a stool at the bar.

Another man walked into the bar and he too slipped on the dog turd.

"I just did that" said the first man, so the second man hit him.

:laugh: :laugh:

[Gagie]

two snowmen in a field, one says too the other
"can you smell carrots"

:laugh:

( my youngest told me this one lastnight, the wife still doesn't get it)

[K@mpso]

She has never smelt carrots before............... ;)

[becks_1]

Originally posted by Gagie
two snowmen in a field, one says too the other
"can you smell carrots"

:laugh:


Brilliant!

:laugh: :drool:

[Mr Sinistero]

the other day i was out getting some petrol and there was a guy filling up his car, as he pulled the nozzle out some petrol sprayed on his hand and arm. he didnt pay attention. put the nozzle back on the hook, as he walked away he lit up a ciggarette and his whole arm went up in flames. These cops were driving past and they pulled in and arrested him for having an illegal firearm.

[RobPa]

these jokes are awful!!

[Jo]

I find them amusing!

[Tru Blu]

quality :laugh:

[JohnnyBoy]

I was trying to cross the road the other day, but wasn't having much luck as the traffic was awful.

Then a bloke came up to me and said "you know there's a zebra crossing over there".

So I said "well I hope it's having better luck than I am".

:cry:

[The Dandy Dons]

"mate...you really need to get out more"

He's been to the chinese and the butcher where else is there to go? the pub with an englishman and an irishman??

[StretfordEnd]

The boss called one of his employees into the office. "Rob," he said, "you've been with the company for a year. You started off in the post room, one week later you were promoted to a sales position, and one month after that you were promoted to district manager of the sales department. Just four short months later, you were promoted to vice- chairman. Now it's time for me to retire, and I want you to take over the company. What do you say to that?"

"Thanks," said the employee.

"Thanks?" the boss replied.

"Is that all you can say?"

"I suppose not," the employee said.

"Thanks, Dad."

[mattledud]

I still don't get the original joke. Anybody kind enough to explain it to me?

[YipJaapStam]

"WACH-A-WA" - "Watch the wall".

[mattledud]

Two boys, Jimmy (aged 7) and Billy (aged 11), come in to the kitchen one morning and their Mother says "Morning.. now what do you want for Breakfast?"

"I'll have a f*cking boiled egg" says Billy, at which point the Dad puts hits paper down and clips the boy around the ear.

"Don't say that, it's naughty. Jimmy, what would you like?" says the Mum.

"Don't know. But one thing's for sure... I don't want a f*cking boiled egg"

[mattledud]

Originally posted by YipJaapStam
"WACH-A-WA" - "Watch the wall".

Oh, right. :rolleyes:

Where's the "Tumbleweed" Smilie?

[great white]

A man walks into a bar and over the next couple of hours proceeds to get increasingly drunk. Suddenly he spots a guy in the corner with a group of friends and begins to verbally abuse him.

"Oi you" he shouts. "I've shagged your mum!!"

The man carries on drinking trying to ignore the guy's drunken rantings.

Half an hour later the drunk stands up and renews his abuse ."Oi you" he shouts even louder this time "I shagged your mum up the bum"
The guy in the corner turns his back on him and continues talking with friends although by now visibly irate.

Half a hour later the drunk pipes up once again. "Oi you! your mum sucked my dick!!"

By now the guy in the corner has lost his cool, he stands up furiously and yells "For ****'s sake Dad go home, you're embarrassing me."

[john_us]

Q: What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?

A: Where's my tractor?

[argyle-ive]

Originally posted by john_us
Q: What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?

A: Where's my tractor?

FFS! That's SHITE!



As bad as the joke when I was a kid.

q: What's green and pear shaped?







a: A pear

*Coat on and home to bed.*


:mad:

[badattitude]

-Why Don't Polish women use Vibrators? ..It chips their teeth.

-An Irishman walks into a pub. The bartender asks him, "what'll you have?"
The man says, "Give me three pints of Guinness please."
So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they're gone. He then orders three more.
The bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold. You don't have to order three at a time. I can keep an eye on it and when you get low I'll bring you a fresh cold one."
The man says, "You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we'd still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too, and we're drinking together.
The bartender thought that was a wonderful tradition.
Every week the man came in and ordered three beers. Then one week he came in and ordered only two. He drank them and then ordered two more.
The bartender said to him, "I know what your tradition is, and I'd just like to say that I'm sorry that one of your brothers died."
The man said, "Oh, me brothers are fine----I just quit drinking."
:no:

[StretfordEnd]

A man called home to his wife and said, "Honey I have been asked to go
fishing up in Canada with my boss & several of his friends. We'll be
gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion
I've been wanting so could you please pack enough clothes for a week and
set out my rod and fishing box? We're leaving from the office & I will
swing by the house to pick my things up." "Oh! Please pack my new blue
silk pajamas."
The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she is, did exactly what her husband asked.

The following weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good. The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish?

He said, "Yes! Lots of Salmon, some Bluegill, and a few Swordfish. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?"







The wife replied:



"I did. They're in your fishing box....."

[Shauny]

:laugh:

[great white]

George Bush & The Devil





George Bush has a heart attack and dies.
Obviously, he goes to hell where the devil is waiting for him.
"I'm not sure what to do," says the devil. "You're on my list but I
have
no room for you. As you definitely have to stay here, so I'm going to
have
to let some-one else go. I've got three folks here who weren't quite as
bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place.
I'll even let you decide who leaves."
George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed.

The devil opened the first room.
In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water.
He kept diving in and climbing out, over and over.
Such was his fate in hell.
"No!" George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and don't
think I could do that all day long."

The devil led him to the next room.
In it was Tony Blair with a sledge hammer and a room full of rocks.
All he did was swing he hammer, time after time.
"No!" I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant
agony if all I could do was break rocks all day." commented George.

The devil opened a third door.
In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying on the floor with his arms staked
over his head, and his legs staked in a spread-eagle pose.
Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said,
"Yeah, I can handle this."
The devil smiled and said, "Ok, Monica, you're free to go!"

:p

[Infidel]

pandas eat shoot and leaf

[StretfordEnd]

A man walked into a quiet bar. He carried three ducks, one in each hand and one under his left arm.

He placed them one beside the other upon the bar.

He had a few drinks and chatted with the ducks, and with the bartender.

The bartender was surprised, but experienced and had learned not to ask people about animals they bring into the bar, so he didn't mention the ducks.

They chatted for about another 30 minutes before the man with the ducks had to go to the restroom.

He left the ducks there on the bar. The bartender was alone with the ducks. There was an awkward silence as they all looked at one another.

The bartender decided to break the ice and try to make a little conversation.

"Say, what's your name?" he asked the first duck.

"Huey," replied the first duck.

"How's your day been, Huey?"

"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day! What else could a duck want?", said the duck.

Oh. That's nice," said the bartender.

Then he said to the second duck, "Hi. And what's your name?"

"Dewey," came the answer from duck number two.

"So how's your day been, Dewey?", he asked.

"Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too! Been in and out of puddles all day myself. If I have the chance another day I'd do the same again!", said the duck in reply.

So the bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be Louie?"

"No," she said, "my name is Puddles. And don't even ask what kind of day I've had!!"

[Gagie]

A rather attractive woman goes up to the register in an upscale hamburger establishment. She gestures alluringly to a large man who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress is cheek, which is slowly turning a crimson red.
"Are you theowner?"

she asks, now softly stroking his face with both hands."No" he replies, "I''m just the manager."

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him."

She asks, running her hands up beyond his ears andinto his hair.

"I''m afraid I can''t," breathes the manager clearly aroused," he''s in the back doing taxes right now. Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message."

She continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"Tell him" she says "that there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room."