Owen
22nd October 2001, 10:15
In numerous experiments I’ve identified a number of conversational stages encountered along the path to drunken nirvana.
1. The sensible stage. Talk about work, affairs of the day etc. If football is the subject the topic is whether Owen, Heskey, Fowler or Litmanen should start up front.
2. The banter stage. A few pints down the line everyone’s a comedian. All kinds of satirical lampooning are attempted. Football topic? The hue of Peter Schmiecal’s nose.
3. The profound stage. A range of philosophical and deeply important subjects are discussed by the wise sages sucking the froth of their 6th or 7th pint. Football discussions will revolve around complex tactical points and will be illustrated by the use of condiments/pint glasses.
4. The horny stage. Every comment is about the physique of a nearby female. Football chat – that American who swung her top around her head.
5. The slightly dishevelled stage. Long words are becoming troublesome. The lights are beginning to swim a bit. Undue care needs to be taken when standing up. Football “remember that Mikalis, Miclo, Mikailovicovic.”
6. The singing stage. Arm in arm singing “You’ll Never Walk Alone”.
7. Flat on the back stage. Comatose on the floor burbling the odd barely audible “love you Michael Owen”.
1. The sensible stage. Talk about work, affairs of the day etc. If football is the subject the topic is whether Owen, Heskey, Fowler or Litmanen should start up front.
2. The banter stage. A few pints down the line everyone’s a comedian. All kinds of satirical lampooning are attempted. Football topic? The hue of Peter Schmiecal’s nose.
3. The profound stage. A range of philosophical and deeply important subjects are discussed by the wise sages sucking the froth of their 6th or 7th pint. Football discussions will revolve around complex tactical points and will be illustrated by the use of condiments/pint glasses.
4. The horny stage. Every comment is about the physique of a nearby female. Football chat – that American who swung her top around her head.
5. The slightly dishevelled stage. Long words are becoming troublesome. The lights are beginning to swim a bit. Undue care needs to be taken when standing up. Football “remember that Mikalis, Miclo, Mikailovicovic.”
6. The singing stage. Arm in arm singing “You’ll Never Walk Alone”.
7. Flat on the back stage. Comatose on the floor burbling the odd barely audible “love you Michael Owen”.