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Joke thread

Discussion in 'General Off Topic Discussion' started by johnnyT, Jan 5, 2018.

  1. Schindlers Pissed

    Schindlers Pissed Championship here we come.

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    A horse walks into a cock bar. The doorman says: “Wait you can’t come in here without a cock.”
    The horse goes out to his car, looks in the boot and gets a set of condoms, which he ties around his penis
    He goes back in and says to the barman: “This alright?”
    The barman says: “Hmmmm, ok... but don’t be starting anything.
     
  2. FranniesTache

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    A horse walks into a bar. He walks up to the bartender and says "Give me a beer." The bartender is stunned, so he heads to the back of the bar to speak with the owner. "Hey boss" he says, "there's a horse in the bar asking for a beer." The bar owner pauses for a second, then replies "Well then give him one, but charge him double. Horses don't know the price of beer." So the bartender heads back out front and hands the horse a beer. "You know," says the barkeep, "we don't get many horses around here." To which the horse replies, "At these prices I'm not surprised."
     
  3. Old codger

    Old codger Registered User

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  4. BleedsIsDead

    BleedsIsDead “Teams like Brighton”

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    A dyslexic horse walks in to a bra.

    0F9101D0-4EEC-4B83-9E0B-762C841D4519.jpeg
     
  5. Andy-gers1

    Andy-gers1 DELETE!
    Staff Member

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    Wtf nerd
     
  6. Trojii

    Trojii Legal Eagle

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    Horse is in the pub having a few when he spots a donkey in the corner so he nips over to have a natter, donkey asks "what did you do for a living?”, horse says "I ran on the flat in the summer and over the jumps in the winter", Donkey says "I worked with the kids on Blackpool beach", then he asks "did you win anything" horse says "yeah on the flat I won the Oaks, St. Leger and the Derby and over the jumps I won the Grand National and the Gold Cup”.

    They arrange to meet at the donkey's house a week later, donkey thinks, "I need to impress this guy he's done everything", so he buys a big picture of a zebra and hangs it above the fireplace.

    The horse arrives and says "lovely place you have here and who's that in the picture on the wall", donkey replies "thats me when I played for Udinese.
     
    johnnyT and FranniesTache like this.
  7. BleedsIsDead

    BleedsIsDead “Teams like Brighton”

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    It turns out it was Trojii.
     
    JoshBCFC, Trojii, SpursLegend and 4 others like this.
  8. Andy-gers1

    Andy-gers1 DELETE!
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    Oh for **** sake.
     
    Trojii and RM like this.
  9. Leo

    Leo Enter Sandman

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    Dear Deirdre. My boyfriend's a right dick! He told me the best cure for constipation was anal sex.

    I didn't believe him but after some persuasion, he talked me into it and I let him stick his big fat knob into my tiny little arsehole.

    He shagged me up the bum really hard then after a while, shot his muck, deep into my bowels.

    He's just rung me this morning saying he wants to try it again as he's still constipated.

    What should I do?

    Sharon of Essex
     
  10. Leo

    Leo Enter Sandman

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    Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office,
    But she belonged to someone else...

    One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to
    her and said, "I'll give you a £100 if you let me
    have sex with you. But the girl said NO.

    Johnny said, "I'll be fast. I'll throw the money on
    the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the
    time you pick it up. "

    She thought for a moment and said that she would have
    to consult her boyfriend... So she called her
    boyfriend and told him the story.

    Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for £200, pick up the
    money very fast, he won't even be able to get his
    Pants down."

    So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour
    goes by, and the boyfriend is waiting for his
    girlfriend to call.

    Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and
    asks what happened.

    She responded, "The bastard used coins!"
     
  11. johnnyT

    johnnyT Registered User

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    Horse is in the pub having a few when he spots a colour blind donkey in the corner so he nips over to have a natter, donkey asks "what did you do for a living"
    horse says " I ran on the flat in the summer and over the jumps in the winter", Donkey says "I worked with the kids on Blackpool beach", then he asks "did you win anything"
    horse says "yeah on the flat I won the Oaks, St. Leger and the Derby and over the jumps I won the Grand National and the Gold Cup”,
    They arrange to meet at the donkey's house a week later, donkey thinks, "I need to impress this guy he's done everything", so he buys a big picture of a zebra and hangs it above the fireplace.
    The horse arrives and says "lovely place you have here and who's that in the picture on the wall", donkey replies "thats me when I played for Sunderland”.

    :laugh:
     
  12. johnnyT

    johnnyT Registered User

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    paddy and murphy are in the job center.

    murphy says to paddy ' will ye look at that paddy, just our luck'

    'what' paddy says

    'there is a job here for tree fellers' muphy says

    paddy says ' yeah and?'

    'well if Mick was here we coulda gone for that'

    pmsl
     
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  13. Leo

    Leo Enter Sandman

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    [​IMG]
     
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  14. Schindlers Pissed

    Schindlers Pissed Championship here we come.

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    Will and Johnny are in the job center.

    Johnny says to Will ' will ye look at that Johnny , just our luck'

    'what' will says

    'there is a job here for tree fellers' Murphy says

    Johnny says ' yeah and?'

    'well if Rick was here we coulda gone for that'

    pmsl
     
  15. BoroWill

    BoroWill Registered User

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    Get a bit confused there?
     
  16. Schindlers Pissed

    Schindlers Pissed Championship here we come.

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    Johnny = condom
    Murphy is the fella who just turns up randomly
     
  17. claret

    claret Registered User

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    A sex therapist is claiming that the most effective way to arouse a man is to spend 10 minutes licking his ears......

    Personally I think it's bollocks.
     
  18. JoshBCFC

    JoshBCFC Registered User

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    Horse is in the pub having a few when he spots a donkey in the corner so he nips over to have a natter, donkey asks "what did you do for a living"
    horse says " I ran on the flat in the summer and over the jumps in the winter", Donkey says "I worked with the kids on Blackpool beach", then he asks "did you win anything"
    horse says "yeah on the flat I won the Oaks, St. Leger and the Derby and over the jumps I won the Grand National and the Gold Cup”,
    They arrange to meet at the donkey's house a week later, donkey thinks, "I need to impress this guy he's done everything", so he buys a big picture of a zebra and hangs it above the fireplace.
    The horse arrives and says "lovely place you have here and who's that in the picture on the wall", donkey replies "thats me when I played for Portishead Town U7's Reserves”.
     
    RM likes this.
  19. Schindlers Pissed

    Schindlers Pissed Championship here we come.

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    Honestly Josh. So 2 days ago.
     
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  20. FranniesTache

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    I was at the gym last night when I noticed a hole in my trainer, just big enough to get my finger in.

    Obviously she's made a complaint and I'm now banned for life
     
    Leo, JoshBCFC, claret and 3 others like this.

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