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Joke thread

Discussion in 'General Off Topic Discussion' started by johnnyT, Jan 5, 2018.

  1. mattledud

    mattledud Band

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    Another man propagating rape culture :no:
     
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  2. claret

    claret Registered User

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    A thief entered a house mid-afternoon. He tied up the woman and at knife-point asked the man to hand over the jewellery and money.


    The man started sobbing and said, 'You can take anything you want but please untie the rope and let her go.'


    Thief: 'You must really love your wife!'


    Man: 'Not particularly but she'll be home soon.'
     
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  3. Leo

    Leo Guest

    A Jehovahs witness knocked on my door last night I asked him in, sat him down and said, "Right, what do you want to talk about?" He said, "**** knows. I've never got this far before!"
     
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  4. Lamby

    Lamby Registered User

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    I know a guy called Mohammed who invests in stocks and shares. He's only in it for a profit.
     
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  5. Tornado

    Tornado Registered User

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    I was watching that advert about wearing your seat belt for safety. So, the first take was the guy was bringing home Pizza. but was involved in a crash and wasn't wearing his seat belt. Pizza flipped up all over the place, Pepperoni everywhere. He dies.

    Second take, guy is driving and crashes. Pizza flipped up all over the place, Pepperoni everywhere, but this time he was wearing his. He survived.

    The caption asks, "what have you learnt from this advert?"

    I was like, get the Pizza delivered!!!

    I'll get my coat.
     
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  6. Godolphin

    Godolphin Registered User

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    F*cking hell.
     
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  7. Schindler

    Schindler Registered twat

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  8. RM

    RM Registered User

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    If you could, and don’t come back.
     
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  9. Tornado

    Tornado Registered User

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    So, a man was kicked out of a Premier Inn for sticking a fire extinguisher up his arse. I know certain people can't deal with a hot curry but that's going too far.

    He was also racially abusing the staff members whilst fondling with himself in front of other visitors.

    Even Lenny Henry didn't enjoy a Premier Inn that much.
     
  10. BleedsIsDead

    BleedsIsDead The Lion of Judah

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    This isn’t even a joke.
     
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  11. Leo

    Leo Guest

    [​IMG]

    Also....why did the first sentence begin with the word 'So' ?
     
  12. Andy-gers1

    Andy-gers1 Lonsdale Trainers FTW
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    What the...?
     
  13. Schindler

    Schindler Registered twat

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    Eh.......
     
  14. Tornado

    Tornado Registered User

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    Damn. Tough crowd :rolleyes
     
  15. RM

    RM Registered User

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    Neither was that seat belt bollocks you tried justifying to me yesterday.
     
  16. JaseTheVillain

    JaseTheVillain Registered User

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    Nah, just shit joke.
     
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  17. Schindler

    Schindler Registered twat

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    How do you titillate an ocelot?
    You oscillate its tits a lot.
     
  18. Tornado

    Tornado Registered User

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    Oh. Apologises for any offence caused. That wasn't my intention.
     
  19. mattledud

    mattledud Band

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    Shamelessly stolen from Paul Chowdhry. Although I hte the fact that he says pepperami instead of pepperoni :laugh:
     
  20. Tornado

    Tornado Registered User

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    Damn, got me.
     

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