Gimps XI

After "popular" demand, Gimps XI has returned.

For those of you who don't remember this, here's a quick explanation. This is a mock-football team in which members of FF who have built up a reputation for saying some rather silly comments are added to the side.

Anyone can nominate, or be nominated. The only rule is that the member can't be currently banned. Otherwise there is no age-limit, designated sex, or anything like that.

To nominate, just give us the member, reason and a link or two. Then I will announce the first Gimp squad in a couple of weeks. People can discuss which members are most suitable for the team. I'd rather not see things like "Don't nominate me you gay". Let's leave that for the playground.

For the original thread (and some truly wonderful examples) check here:

http://www.footballforums.net/forums/showthread.php?t=73624

Have fun.

Oh, and uh, keep it on-topic.

The New Gimps XI: A Complete Set Of Match Reports

25/10/08 Gimps XI 2-1 606

Gimps XI started their campaign with an impressive and dramatic win over a 606 side which lacked intelligence and tactical knowledge.

The side dominated the game, but needed a very special goal from JoseTheGod to seal victory at the unnamed stadium.

GXI were quick off the mark, with manutforever nodding home with his enormous head, after some incredible vision by 83royal to pick him out before he'd made the run.

From thereon, GXI dominated. DAM0Ni hit the post with a spectacular effort from 40-yards out on the 30-minute mark, and BergkampGod putting the ball just over from a chip-shot just before half-time.

It was the captain DAM0Ni who made the mistake for 606's goal. The youngster gave the ball away after trying a crowd-pleasing "double-stepover backheel Cruyff flick-turn", and popular striker Seb stupidly thumped the ball into the net, leaving Gullfan flapping furiously seconds after the goal had been scored.

A mad rush ensued. Rockin Robin was taken off, giving Serbian SerbianIron his debut. He immediately made his mark with a curling shot from just outside the area. "It was Serbian-style football", the player later proudly stated.

Then GXI were bizzarely given two red-cards, when Brianlfc and Lockie started fighting. Both were sent off by referee Graham Poll.

But it wasn't until the 89th minute that JTG hit an absolut screamer to win the game, smashing it on the volley to win an overall wonderful game.

"He came out of nowhere," Gimps' manager WhoIzzet later commented. "If he hadn't have put that in, I'd have told you he went missing. But he's just appeared and done what he does best - spectacular long-shots.

"I'm disappointed with DAM0Ni. I'm hoping he'll learn that his tricks aren't necessary after this performance. Then again, he'll probably say he's learnt his lesson and do the same thing next week.

"We'll be appealing the Lockie and Brianlfc red-cards. It was all handbags really, and Graham Poll didn't need to get involved.

They always argue about Liverpool in training. It's absolutely interminable".

Assistant manager Chelsea Blue had some choice words to say about captain DAM0Ni.

"He needs a clip round the ear. He nearly lost us the game and I'm not having it. He'll be getting the hairdryer treatment once we begin training again".

There was also further controversy as mascot Davy Gravy started fighting with 606 manager Caroline Cheese.

"I apologise for any disrepute I have caused" was the short statement left on the mascot's website.

UPDATE:

Graham Poll has retired after WhoIzzet lodged an appeal against the red-cards issued to Lockie and Brianlfc. "I don't need this" He is reported to have said.

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1/11/08 Gilette Soccer Saturday 3-1 Gimps XI

Gillette Soccer Saturday won a hard-fought battle against Gimps XI after a Chris Kamara hat-trick.

The lively striker scored all 3 goals in the 3-1 victory over WhoIzzet's team.

There were further problems for GXI, as JoseTheGod was sent off for arguing with referee Graham Poll, reportedly about whether John Terry was a w@nker or not.

The only consolation for them was a wonder goal by Keane7, who struck furiously from 30-yards out.

But it was GSS who controlled the game.

They took the lead after 7 minutes, after a lack of communication between Lockie and Brianlfc let Phil Thompson through to chip onto Kamara's head.

"Gullfan came out like superman" said the excited Kammy "Except the only fact is, Superman always get's he job done. Gullfan didn't get the job done, and it was one-nil".

Further misery was piled onto GXI after Matt le Tissier struck a scorcher from 40-yards out, which crept under Gullfan for Kamara to tap home.

It was all downhill for the Gimp-faithful, who saw their vice-captain see red for an argument with Graham Poll.

"It was a silly sending off" manager WhoIzzet commented. "He's allowed his own opinion. I know everybody hates everything he says, but that's no reason to send him off".

But then the in-form Keane hit a lovely angled shot into the back of the net to renew the Gimps XI fans. All two of them.

But Scott Minto took advantage of Brianlfc stumbling (over his words), crossing in for Kammy to head home.

"It was unbelievable" Said Kamara. "Unvelievable Unvelievable Unvelievable Unvelievable Unvelievable Unvelievable Unvelievable Unvelievable Unvelievable... It were".

Manager Jeff Stelling criticised the Gimp XI tactics.

"They were all out of place. It was the second time in consecutive games that WhoIzzet has failed to keep a clean-sheet. No dout that was down to a defence that fails to communicate on a regular basis, although the attack was once again very solid...."

He went on like this for about 20 minutes.

WhoIzzet had praise for hbk4894 after the game.

"He's such a wierd little man. The creativity is non-existant, but he does the very standard with very little fuss. I'm pretty sure I've seen everything he's ever done somewhere else before, though.

"DAM0Ni played well as well. The lads were getting him to paint loads of pictures. We didn't know it, but he's a dab-hand at art".

Meanwhile, mascot Davy Gravy was in trouble for fighting with Charlie Nicholas.

"I am very sorry" Said a spokesperson.

GIMPS XI

GK: Gullfan

DR: Fulhammadman
DC: Brianlfc
DC: Lockie
DL: hbk4894

MR: BergkampGod (Vincent Vega 2')
MC: JoseTheGod
MC: DAM0Ni ©
ML: |Keane7|

ST: Powerage (Serbian Iron 64')
ST: manutdforever

Subs not used:

ZuluWarrior, Bluebirds, Cambridgefan28

Booked:

DAM0Ni, manutdforever, Brianlfc, Lockie

Off:

JoseTheGod (53')

Goalscorers: Keane7 - 77'

Gillette Soccer Saturday

GK: Rodney Marsh

DR: Tony Gale
DC: Gordon McQueen
DC: Phil Thompson
DL: Scott Minto

MR: Chris Kamara
MC: Matthew le Tissier
MC: John Salako
ML: Peter Beagrie

ST: Charlie Nicholas
ST: Paul Walsh

Subs Not Used:

Allan McInally, Iain Dowie, Alan Mullery, Alan Lambourne,

Booked:

Rodney Marsh (For joking about the Credit Crunch), John Salako

Off:

None

Goalscorers:

Kamara 8', 45', 90'+1

EDIT

It has since been announced that Graham Poll has retired. "I don't need this", he is reported to have said.

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22/12/08 Xmas United 1-3 Gimps XI

Xmas United were soundly beaten by on-form Gimps XI at Lapland this afternoon.

The team of unbearable puns didn't look up for the game as the ever-improving Gimps ran riot, winning their second game in succession.

The first-half was uneventful, with the best chance falling to Roque Santa Cruz, who sent the ball wide from close range.

The Gimps also had a chace when Doreo made a sparkling run through the centre of the field. He went down in the penalty area, and referee Graham Poll waved away his protests. "It's a conspiracy" he shouted.

Xmas United took the lead in the second-half, with Noel Hunt knocking the ball directly in the path of Ryan Babel, who stuck it past superyids for 1-0.

But the celebrations were short-lived, as Roy Carroll made a clearance that fell straight to DAM0Ni, who managed to loft it over the Irishman to equalise.

The feat was almost repeated again when DAM0Ni tried to beat Carroll from 50-yards out. The 'keeper dropped the ball, and it appeared to go over the line, but replays showed that because he played for Manchester United, that wasn't possible.

It was made not to matter, as substitute mufc_Boydie ran onto DAM0Ni's pass and slid home for 2-1. He celebrated by shouting "Who are ya?" at his own team-mates.

There was still time for Lockie to get his first goal for the club, as he headed home BergkampGod's cross. It was an extremely dull way to score, in truth, and there's no words that can make it sound more exciting.

After the match, manager Ian St. John blamed the poor showing by the home fans as dispiriting for the team.

"There's a lack of interest in Xmas this year. The tightening of purse-strings has hit us badly, and there's nothing we can do.

"Also, Roque Santa Cruz was shit. I swear he wants to move to relegation-fodder with massive wallets".

After the game, DAM0Ni credited his good performance to the highest of powers.

"Jesus was the reason I did well today. Jesus helps everyone. Also, I think everyone having beautiful new hairstyles made our team more fabulous today".

Superyids was also pleased with the way his team had performed, and had high ambitions for the future.

"Just think. In 2020, we'll have won the World Cup, Champions League, and we'll all be given fredom to the world, and we'll be like Gods on earth".

And SpursLegend had similarly optimistic views.

"They've given us odds of 10/3 to win the title, but I'd say it's probably 100/30".

In further news, there will be an investigation into the match after it was revealed that Klaus Fischer had offered Graham Poll a bribe before the game.

"I didn't take it" said Poll "But it had nothing to do with the goal that I disallowed that was over the line".

TEAMS

Gimps XI

GK: superyids

DR: Fulhammadman
DC: Doreo
DC: Lockie
DL: Baaarnsleh

MR: BergkampGod
MC: JoseTheGod
MC: DAM0Ni (C)
ML: SpursLegend

ST: K4Ka
ST: fabgun (mufc_Boydie 48')

Goals: DAM0Ni 51', mufc_Boydie 66', Lockie 89'

Bookings: Doreo, SpursLegend

Subs

Jonny27, Birkenhead, fringey, manutdforever, The Vicar, bobby707, Brianlfc

Xmas United

GK: Roy Carroll

DR: Evander Sno
DC: Karel Poborsky
DC: Klaus Fischer
DL: Gabriel Heinze

DMC: David Bell

MR: Roudolphe Douala
MC: Jesus Navas
ML: Noel Hunt

ST: Roque Santa Cruz
ST: Ryan Babel (Febian Brandy 66')

Goals: Babel 49'

Bookings: Navas, Fischer

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11/01/09 (GA Cup Rnd 3) Gimps XI 10-0 Z-List Sh*t

Gimps XI eased their way into the fourth round of the GA cup after destroying Z-List sh*t.

However, the celebrations were overshadowed by the absence of captain Wingman, who recently changed his name by deed poll from DAM0Ni, and has not been seen since.

The captain was named on the team-sheet all the way up to 30 minutes before the match, when manager WhoIzzet requested he be removed. However, Graham Poll did not allow this to happen, saying a substitution would have to be made. This lead to a scrap between the manager and Mr. Poll, in which Graham came out with a broken nose and a cut ear. It is unlikely WhoIzzet will face any sanctions.

Despite the pre-match incidents, the Gimps were solid throughout. Manutdforever bagged a quick hat-trick to put the CockPitters 3-0 up withing 21 minutes. The first came from the penalty spot after Eoghan Quigg hauled MLH down in the box. The second from a mistake by Ziggy Chanelle in goal, and the third after a very good cross from Baaarnsleh.

No further goals were scored in the first half, although Phil Mitchell was sent-off for striking JoseTheGod in the face with much power. It is unlikely he will face any sanctions.

The second-half began with superyids hoofing the ball forwards, and without being touched, it looped over the 'keeper for 4-0.

fabgun managed to add 5 and 6 with clean strikes inside the area. Lockie scored number seven with a defensive header that loped over the other 'keeper. 8 came from Kaka, 9 from debutant Chinaski, and 10 from MLH.

All a bit dull after a while.

fabgun later revealed how he was happy to be involved in first-team duties after his unsuccessful youth career at Arsenal.

"Wenger saw no talent in me, and now look. I'm in the Gimps XI squad, and where is he? Some fantasty Arsenal team that isn't even that great".

Meanwhile, the search for Wingman continues...

Gimps XI

GK: superyids

DR: Fulhammadman
DC: Mackem2
DC: Lockie
DL: Baaarnsleh

MR: MLH
MC: JoseTheGod
MC: Wingman (C) (Chinaski 1')
ML: manutdforever

ST: K4Ka
ST: fabgun

SUBS

Bobby707, rafasarmy, bornaforestfan

Goals: Manutdforever 8' (pen), 13', 21', Superyids 46', fabgun 48' 58', Lockie 70', Kaka 76', Chinaski 85', MLH 90'+3'

Z-List Sh*t

GK: Ziggy Chanelle

DR: Chico Mendes
DC: Nicola Birthday-Boobs
DC: Eoghan/Yoghurt Quigg
DL: Howard Halifax

MR: Joe O'S-Club Racist
MC: Ordinary Preston
MC: Phil Mitchell (C)
ML: Paul Burrell

ST: David van David van Day
ST: Mr. Timothy Kensington-Mallet MBE

Off: Mitchell 38'

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1/2/09 (GA Cup 4th Round) Portsmouth 0-2 Gimps XI

Portsmouth were battered at their home stadium by a bunch of Gimps, highlighting how bad their situation really is.

The game saw Adams' side capitulate due to woeful tactics, on-field fallouts, and general bad defending.

The Premier League side were confident of victory against a fictional team at the start of the game.

Despite players being played out of position, Pompey began well, with Pennant making a promising run, only to be intercepted by John Utaka, who hadn't moved since the first minute of the game.

Then, Glen Johnson had a shot from the half-way line, which superyids appeared to have in control. But the 'keeper decided to perform a Rene Higuita scorpion which went horribly wrong. The ball came off the crossbar and bounced onto SY, before bobbling to Utaka. Utaka had an open goal to aim at, but managed to blast the ball over the bar.

The movement involved in that attack was too much for Utaka, who had to be stretchered off straight afterwards.

Then Fratton Park was delivered a sucker-punch before half-time, when lennon999 and manutdforever combined on the wing to slide the ball to fabgun's feet, who couldn't miss.

It was reported that at half-time, captain Sol Campbell had walked out of the ground. Adams commented afterwards that "He couldn't fault Sol for what he done".

Portsmouth pressed for most of the second-half, with Papa Bouba Diop's shot from 25-yards out ended up going 100-yards over the bar.

David James decided to join the battle in the area for a stoppage-time corner. The ball fell to him four-yards out, and the 'keeper missed the ball completely when attempting the shot, this allowed BergkampFan, who was on the line, to volley the ball high into the air. It came down and landed in the net, giving BF the World Record for longest distance scored from ever.

After the game, WhoIzzet seemed puzzled by Portsmouth's team-selection.

"Well, putting Utaka on is a death-warrant in itself, but I'd forgotten that Sahar even played for the club".

"We grinded a result that perhaps we didn't deserve. But if we're going to have a cup-run, it'll be full of this. I'm happy with our draw against Previously Banned WUMs, because it gives us a chance to play some players we know inside-out".

Portsmouth:

GK: David James

DR: Sylvain Distin
DC: Sol Campbell (Linvoy Primus 46')
DC: Glen Johnson
DL: Martin Cranie

MR: Jermaine Pennant
MC: Papa Bouba Diop
MC: John Utaka (Ben Sahar 36')
ML: Armand Traore

ST: Peter Crouch
ST: Arnold Mvuemba

Booked: Diop, Pennant

Gimps XI:

GK: superyids

DR: lennon999
DC: Mackem2
DC: BergkampFan
DL: Baaarnsleh

MR: MLH
MC: JoseTheGod
MC: scouseste (EssexWhite 12')
ML: manutdforever

ST: Kaka
ST: fabgun

Goals: fabgun 44', BergkampFan 90'+4

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9/2/09 Gimps XI 1-3 Baldies

Gimps XI were defeated on their own turf today after Baldies outplayed them in every area.

The result was seldom in doubt during the game as Baldies dominated both posession and chances.

The opening goal was scored by Pilkington, when the cross from stone was met bang on by the veteran striker's shiny head.

"To be honest, I only scored 'cos I was being chased by a bee", he said after the game.

Afterwards, new-signing bigdman was sent-off for "Getting too close" to referee Graham Poll. "He kept asking if I would be his buddy" said Poll, who has since retired.

The holding role was played superbly by Murray Walker, who charged through the centre of midfielder before threading Wright through for Baldies second, prompting a furious discussion between superyids and BergkampFan, with both ending up trading blows. However, the referee missed the debacle, and instead sent Ian Hislop off for smart-mouthing.

The Gimps were roared onto the field into the second-half, after DG won the fans hearts with an apology about his name, and a promise that he would never disgrace the Gimps in such a way again.

The encouragement showed signs of improvement for the Cock Pitters, with MLH going close, before JoseTheGod showing his true class by firing in an ambitious shot from 30-yards out.

However, hopes of a resurgence were short lived, when Zinedine Zidane chipped superyids from close-range, sending the Bald fans wild. "There should be a rule against that" superyids claimed after the game.

WhoIzzet was philosophical after defeat. "If a tree falls in the woods, and no-one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?"

Gimps XI:

GK: superyids

DR: lennon999
DC: Mackem2
DC: BergkampFan
DL: Baaarnsleh

MR: Fulhammadman
MC: JoseTheGod
MC: scouseste
ML: MLH (1991 19')

ST: bigdman
ST: fabgun

Goals: JoseTheGod 73'

Off: bigdman 24'

Baldies:

GK: Brad Friedel

DR: Bruce Willis
DC: Jaap Stam
DC: Sol Campbell
DL: Ian Hislop

DMC: Murray Walker

MR: Steve Stone
MC: Zinedine Zidane
ML: Andy Parsons

ST: Karl Pilkington
ST: Ian Wright

Goals: Pilkington 10', Wright 41', Zidane 86'

Off: Hislop 43'

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16/2/09 (GA Cup 5th Round) Gimps XI 4-3 Previously Banned WUMs

The Cock-Pit were entertained to a brilliant game today when Gimps XI and Previously Banned WUMs played out a 7-goal thriller.

The 5th round tie saw the two rivals go head to head for the first time in either sides' history.

The game began with the WUMs dominating as expected. They had a pure line-up of raw talent which kept every Gimp fan worried.

Soon enough, the dominance had turned into a lead. Capt. Picard hitting a shot from the "Gerrard-Position" just outside the area, which came off of Superyids' post and in.

But then the Gimps responded well, with a shot straight from the kick-off by bigdman finding it's way past sanghelli. After the game, Sangheli said "When robots replace players in the future that won't happen".

Then, SZ Plasmaticker hauled JoseTheGod down in the WUMs penalty area, with referee Graham Poll pointing straight at the spot. Captain Robert Brown reacted by beating the lights out of Poll, who was forced to retire on the field, with the equally adept Stuart Attwell taking over. He sent Gemo22 off by mistake.

Fulhammadman scored the penalty.

During the interval, DG entertained the crowd with some incredible breakdancing. DG said after the game that he would release a video of him doing this on YouTube very soon.

The second-half began well for the Gimps, with TwentyLegend making a superb run into the penalty area before being halted by Sebastian with a crunching tackle.

patrickMUFC then came up with a bolt from the blue, chipping superyids from the edge of the area with supreme skill. "I think superyids let that go in because he'll become more famous when people see that goal. No-one watches saves." said the young star.

The Gimps were then behind when Robert Brown rounded 5 Gimps before slotting home past the 'keeper. He then revealed a vest with the words "I'm No Gimp" scrawled across.

But luck was once again on Gimps side. fabgun sliced an effort quite clearly into the side-netting. However, Attwell awarded a goal, much to the confusion of everyone in the stadium. "It was an optical illusion," said Attwell. "My linesmen were both shouting at me saying it hadn't gone in, but I was certain it had".

And then JoseTheGod was the hero, with a goal from the "Lampard Position" 3 minutes into injury time.

But there was still time for one late twist. EvertonIsGood handled the ball in the Gimps' penalty area, and Attwell awarded a penalty to the WUMs. Up stepped Robert Brown in hope of forcing a replay, but superyids made an incredible stop. He walked to the near-post and waited for the penalty. Brown placed it into the opposite corner, and yids dived the whole length of the goal to claw it away.

The Gimps are now into the Quarter-Finals, and will play Manchester United.

Gimps XI:

GK: superyids

DR: lennon999
DC: SpursLegend
DC: BergkampFan
DL: TwentyLegend

MR: Fulhammadman
MC: JoseTheGod
MC: scouseste
ML: 1991

ST: bigdman
ST: fabgun

Goals: bigdman 18', fulhammadman 36' (Pen), fabgun 83', JoseTheGod 90'+3

Booked: fabgun, SpursLegend

Previously Banned WUMs

GK: sanghelli

DR: doreo
DC: SZ Plasmaticker
DC: jimbo123
DL: Sebastian

MR: Capt. Picard
MC: Robert Brown
MC: Gemo22
ML: patrickMUFC

ST: EvertonIsGood
ST: manutdforever

Goals: Capt. Picard 17', patrickMUFC 56', Robert Brown 75'

(Brown Missed Pen 90'+4)

Booked: manutdforever, Capt. Picard, Sebastian.

Off: Gemo22 35'

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2/3/09 Gimps XI 13-0 Team of Carraghers

Debutant Delph was the name on everyone's lips after Gimps XI cruised to a huge victory at the expense of relegation certainties Team of Carraghers.

The young lad scored 6 goals as he established his Gimp credentials within 90 minutes of football.

Manager of ToC, Reefe Banzitaz, tried an unprecedented 0-1-0 formation, as opposed to the usual 1-0-0. It is presumed that Carragher was unhappy about being played out of position.

And the captain struggled to cope in battles against JoseTheGod and Delph, who amassed 6 goals between them in the first half, all from outside the area. Delph managed four within 34 minutes, and Jose got two, completing 6 before half-time.

The second-half started better for Carragher, who managed to test Superyids with a superb run through the middle, only for the Spurs goalkeeper to parry it behind for a corner. The corner-kick amassed to nothing.

Then things got worse for Carragher, who after being tackled from behind by DonDee, lashed out by kicking the player, who had yet to touch the ball. Poll had no option but to send Carragher off.

The game then became a wild chase for goals. Delph managed another two, recently re-signed BergkampGod slotted home for one, Lovely and willboy got off the mark on their debut, Fulhammadman got two, and lennon999 added the final goal.

The result leaves ToC firmly at the bottom of the table, and Gimps XI 4th.

Gimps XI

GK: superyids

DR: lennon999
DC: SpursLegend (DonDee 65')
DC: BergkampFan
DL: TwentyLegend

MR: Fulhammadman (BergkampGod 78')
MC: JoseTheGod
MC: Delph
ML: willboy

ST: Josh BAFC (Riggy LCFC 46')
ST: Lovely

Goals: Delph 10', 14', 28', 34', 69', 71', JoseTheGod 25', 43', BergkampGod 80', Lovely 82', wilboy 83', Fulhammadman 85', 90'+2, lennon999 90'+3

Team of Carraghers.

MC: Jamie Carragher.

Off: Carragher 68'

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9/3/09 (GA Cup Qtr Finals)Manchester United 1-2 Gimps XI.

Gimps XI are through to the GA Cup Semi-Final after an historic victory against Manchester United.

The Gimps snatched victory from the jaws of defeat after scoring twice in the last five minutes, giving them the lead despite Giggs' early effort.

The atmosphere was that of a final, with both sets of fans making huge amounts of noise at Old Trafford, setting the stage for what would be an enthralling tie.

The Gimps were comfortably the underdogs in this game, but threatened early with a superb powering run through the middle by Delph. He forced a magnificent save from van der Sar, who managed to get a nose to it to tip it behind.

The game was evenly matched, and it appeared either side could make the breakthrough. After 28 minutes, Giggs picked up the ball in his own half, and dribbled mightily down the left wing. He beat Fulhammadman and lennon999, before cutting inside of SpursLegend, and rifling past superyids for the opener.

Truly amazing. What a professional he is. He might be one of the best players ever, always underrated. He's consistently been going for it at the highest level. What a man. He also does alot of charity work. What a superb person.

Anyway, the Gimps were dispirited by this, and it soon descended into bad behaviour on the field. JoseTheGod pulled out a pistol and shot Cristiano Ronaldo in the back of his right thigh. "You bloody diver" he shouted, whilst Ronaldo was stretchered off with blood everywhere. Graham Poll booked the Gimps captain for the incident.

A resurgence looked unlikely in the second half, as United began to play some of their best moves: Rooney squaring it to Berbatov, who pulls it back for Anderson to blast it miles over the bar. This move was executed perfectly thrice.

Rooney was the catalyst of most of United's movement, putting Fletcher through on goal, only for him to fall over his own feet, much to the disgruntlement of about half of the United fans.

Suddenly, Delph managed to grab an equaliser with 4 minutes of normal time remaining. Him and JoseTheGod combined perfectly in the middle to deliver a set of one-twos before the Leeds-man backheeled the ball past van der Sar.

Before the Gimp fans could even contemplate the prospect of a replay at the Cockpit, they scored again. This time, one of the United players got the ball lost in his own feet, panicked, and smashed the ball into his own net. It might have been Giggs.

The Gimp fans went wild, delighted that they had secured a Semi-Final at Wembley for the first time in 113 years.

They will play BBC United during April.


Manchester United:

GK: Edwin van der Sar

DR: Rafael
DC: Nemanja Vidic
DC: Rio Ferdinand
DL: Patrice Evra

MR: Cristiano Ronaldo (Anderson 42')
MC: Darren Fletcher
MC: Michael Carrick
ML: Ryan Giggs

ST: Dimitar Berbatov
ST: Wayne Rooney

Goals: Giggs 29'

Booked: Rooney

Gimps XI

GK: superyids

DR: lennon999
DC: SpursLegend
DC: BergkampFan
DL: TwentyLegend

MR: Fulhammadman
MC: JoseTheGod
MC: Delph
ML: willboy

ST: Josh BAFC
ST: SFC Sam.

Goals: Delph 86', R.G. 88' (OG)

Booked: JoseTheGod

Referee: Graham Poll (Tring)

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30/3/09 Russia 2-0 Gimps XI

Gimps XI were left dumbfounded as they had 5 goals disallowed in their 2-0 loss against Russia in Moscow.

Referee Graham Putin came under-fire after some dodgy decisions, including two ghost penalties and two inexplicable red cards.

The Gimps started well, with Delph finding his way past Anyukov before slicing wide.

Then the decisions started. Arshavin lobbed a ball over for Pavlyuchenko, who forced superyids to come to the edge of the box to collect the ball. However, Graham Putin viewed that Superyids had handled outside the box, so he was sent-off and a penalty was awarded. Fulhammadman made way for veteran Gimp Wingman to make his return as a goalkeeper. He saved Arshavin's initial penalty but the referee awarded a retake. Arshavin scored the second time round.

The Gimps responded immediately, with RoyalMike bundling home a corner from lennon999. However, RoyalMike was ruled offside, adecision that was clearly wrong.

dylthomas then hit a stunning volley in, which he had hit the net so hard it came back out of the goal. The referee had not seen the ball go across the line.

And just before half-time, JoseTheGod scored a beautiful free-kick, however this was also disallowed for handball.

At half-time, the referee came onto the field and did a lap of honour, to the applause of the Russian fans.

At the start of the second-half, Wingman took a goal-kick which the referee saw as handball. He gave a second penalty to Russia which Pogrebnyak duly scored.

JoseTheGod was then horribly fouled by Semshov. Graham Putin gave the Gimp captain a yellow card for diving, and then he earned a second booking for saying "What?" too loudly at the referee.

Delph then ran straight through the Russian defence to slide neatly home against Akinfeev. However, this was also disallowed for a foul on the 'keeper.

Finally, The Serbinator managed to lob Akinfeev from an incredible 75-yards. This was disallowed for offside.

WhoIzzet said he thought the referee did well, but he later changed his comments once he'd left the country.

"It was appalling. He's worse than our usual referee.... Actually, he did look alot like our usual referee...."

Russia

GK: Igor Akinfeev

DR: Sergei Ignashevich
DC: Aleksandr Anyukov
DC: Vasili Berezutski
DL: Aleksei Berezutski

MR: Igor Semshov
MC: Sergei Semak
MC: Andrey Arshavin
ML: Yuri Zhirkov

ST: Roman Pavlyuchenko
ST: Pavel Pogrebnyak

Goals: Arshavin 19' (Pen), Pogrebnyak 48' (Pen)

Gimps XI

GK: superyids

DR: lennon999
DC: SpursLegend
DC: The Serbinator
DL: TwentyLegend

MR: Fulhammadman (Wingman 17')
MC: JoseTheGod
MC: Delph
ML: RiggyLCFC

ST: dylthomas
ST: RoyalMike

Sent-Off: Superyids 17', JoseTheGod 54'

This fictional match report in no way represents Russia, the Russian Football Association, or the Russian referees. You're all brilliant. Please don't kill me.

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19/4/09 (GA Cup Semi Final) Gimps XI 3-1 BBC United

Gimps XI have reached the GA Cup Final for the first time in their history after beating BBC United comprehensively 3-1.

However, the game was marred by a horror-injury to substitute StretfordEnd, who broke every single bone in his body. His career has ended as a result.

BBC United were mediocre from the start. Particularly, Chris Moyles looked unfit and immediately gave the ball away to striker dylthomas, who forced a decent save from Forsyth, who broke the record for oldest player to ever play at Trembley.

The Gimps rolling-signings system is criticised for bringing instability to the team, but once again the doubters had to eat their words as debutant Wisey put in a strong performance. He forced Barrowman off the ball before running through on goal. He put a deft chip just over the bar.

There was very little response from BBC United. Jonathan Ross still looked stale from club-imposed suspension that had threatened his career months ago. The ball fell to him when TwentyLegend missed his interception, but Ross' shot was dismally wide.

It was a wonder how the game remained 0-0 up until half-time. The Gimps XI fans were looking for an inspiration, and after alot of pressure put on manager WhoIzzet, he decided to give StretfordEnd a game. He came on for dylthomas at half-time.

However, it went terribly wrong. A strong tackle from Ray Stubbs left the debutant with 300 breaks. His career ended as soon as it started.

With a lack of substitutes to choose from, WhoIzzet had no option but to put mascot DG on the field.

The impact was immediate. DG held the ball up, before playing into a charging run by RiggyLCFC. Riggy charged past Moyles before sliding home the first goal of the game.

BBC United then seemed to have found some motivation. Richard Hammond won an aerial challenge against Wisey, which fell to Lineker two yards out. You can guess the rest.

But that did not deter the Gimps, who replied quickly. JoseTheGod played the ball onto DG, who forced Forsyth to parry the ball. It fell to Wisey who tapped it in to put his team into the lead once again.

There were nervy moments towards the end, particularly when Adrian Chiles header from a corner forced a blinding save from Superyids.

But all was sealed by Gimps veteran JoseTheGod. He forced his way past Hammond, Humphreys and Stubbs before powering home a third.

The celebrations in Trembley were wild. The Gimps XI fans were elated with the prospect of a final, and decent chance of silverware.

Manager WhoIzzet said "It was a great victory. I'm happy to suffer conspicuous defeats to dodgy Russian teams if it means we can have occasions like this".

Captain JoseTheGod was slightly more pessimistic. "We're playing Chelsea in the final. As far as I'm concerned, we have no chance of winning. But it's nice to be in the final against such a prestigious team".

Meanwhile, the mood in the BBC United team wasn't too dispirited. Striker Jonathan Ross said "It was a wheely bad wheeze alt for us, but we twyed our best and can be (inaudible) of what we achieved".

Gimps XI now have a tie against Chelsea to look forward to at the end of May.

Gimps XI

GK: superyids

DR: lennon999
DC: Taz
DC: The Serbinator
DL: TwentyLegend

MR: Fulhammadman
MC: JoseTheGod
MC: Wisey.
ML: RiggyLCFC

ST: dylthomas (StretfordEnd 45' (DG 46'))
ST: RoyalMike

Goals: RiggyLCFC 69', Wisey. 82', JoseTheGod 90'+4

Booked: Taz

BBC United

GK: Bruce Forsyth

DR: Jake Humphreys
DC: Chris Moyles
DC: Ray Stubbs
DL: Adrian Chiles

MR: Huw Edwards
MC: John Barrowman
MC: Richard Hammond
ML: Graham Norton

ST: Gary Lineker
ST: Jonathan Ross

Goals: Lineker 72'

Booked: Stubbs, Edwards

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20/5/09 Previously Banned Members 2-2 Gimps XI

Gimps XI can look forward to European football next year after securing 6th place with a 2-2 draw against the Previously Banned Members.

Previously Banned Members needed to beat Gimps XI in order to snatch the final league European place from their rivals, but a late comeback meant that it was the Cockpitters who would go through.

With the GA Cup Final approaching, WhoIzzet had to make careful judgements to conserve his team for the club's biggest fixture. However, he put out a strong team to combat a might PBM midfield.

Former-Gimps Robert Brown and Delph ran the show with a series of clever touches, and downright stupid observations. However, it was veteran American striker BA who opened the scoring, with a looping header over the scrambling superyids. "What a beautiful home-run!", he shouted.

A bad start turned into a potential disaster for the Gimps when Taz brought down he4rts just inside the box, and referee Graham Poll had no hesitation in pointing to the spot. hbk4894 stepped up to take the penalty, but malfunctioned at the last moment and blasted the ball wide. He had to be substituted for Arran.

However, the onslaught continued after half-time. Both Wisey and NolanUnited had shots saved superbly by superyids, and The Serbinator had to be on top form to make a series of goal-saving tackles. However, the team could do nothing to prevent a majestic move. The Previously Banned Members won a free-kick 30 yards from goal, in which Delph chipped the ball up lightly for Robert Brown to hit an astonishing volley into the roof of the net.

European chants were being sung by the home supporters but the game hadn't finished there. Things started to go wrong for them when NolanUnited was sent-off for a extraordinarily foul-mouthed tirade at referee Graham Poll, in which he was called, as Poll himself described "The most insulting thing ever". Poll was substituted by his assistant, as he was in tears.

The Gimps seemingly earned a goal out of nowhere soon after. WACCOE slipped warnocksminder through on goal, and the Blade coolly rounded GreasyRONALDO!.

And The Gimps equalised before anyone really had time to grasp what had happened. A Saint collected the ball in the middle of the park and managed to hold off numerous defenders to poke the ball home.

Manager Silverfox was furious with his team's performance, and announced that he dissolved every player's contract, and that the club was closed for a year. Keano4taoiseach described it as "an overreaction".

Gimps XI

GK: superyids

DR: lennon999
DC: Taz
DC: The Serbinator
DL: TwentyLegend

MR: Kurtish
MC: JoseTheGod
MC: WACCOE
ML: A Saint

ST: dylthomas
ST: warnocksminder

Goals: warnocksminder 88', A Saint 90'

Previously Banned Members

GK: greasyRONALDO!

DR: EvertonIsGood
DC: Keano4taoiseach
DC: NolanUnited
DL: hbk4894

MR: Capt. Picard
MC: Robert Brown.
MC: Delph
ML: Wisey.

ST: He4rts
ST: BA

Booked: hbk4894

Sent-Off: NolanUnited (76)

Goals: BA 18', Robert Brown 56'

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30/5/09 (GA Cup Final) Gimps XI 3-3 Chelsea

Today, Trembley witnessed one of the great GA Cup Finals of all-time after the Gimps and Chelsea contested a thrilling 3-3 draw.

The game was complete with twists, amazing goals, and would you believe the odd dodgy refereeing decision?

Chelsea were touted before the match as favourites and this seemed to be accurate, as a ball thumped into the box by Joe Cole was inadvertently deflected in by The Serbinator. Superyids came out like Superman, but unlike the caped hero, he couldn't get the job done and the ball was past him.

Things got worse just over five minutes later, when Superyids fumbled a tame shot by Lampard, letting Anelka poke it home and leaving the Gimps looking beaten.

But they were not to be deterred and quickly managed to get a goal back. A cross by the returning Wingman was expertly flicked home by dylthomas, giving the Gimps some cause for hope during the half-time interval.

There was controversy just before the second-half, as referee Graham Poll accidentally came out in a Chelsea top. He realised his mistake and ran away, leaving the match in the hands of his very able assistant Stuart Attwell.

A strange moment occurred a few minutes into the second-half when JoseTheGod took the ball past 5 of his own players before cracking a strike at his own 'keeper. He later blamed the fact that "the sun was in his eyes".

However, he made up for this strange mistake by scoring the equaliser. WACCOE's free-kick was headed down by warnocksminder, allowing Jose to lash it home. The captain seldom celebrated.

Drogba came on for Anelka, and immediately got a red-card from Attwell. The reason is unclear, but he claims that his linesman Nigel Bannister saw him strike another player. Replays have shown that this didn't even come close to happening, and Attwell blamed "an optical illusion".

However, Chelsea managed to fluke another goal. Ashley Cole put a cross in that went over the heads of every player including Superyids, and nestled in the corner of the net. Even the Chelsea supporters were a little disappointed with the fact that bloody Ashley Cole had scored.

Needing some inspiration, the Gimps nearly scored when Wingman, showing some of his former class, cut inside John Terry before forcing a superb save from Petr Cech.

But then an amazing moment occured. Looking beaten, JoseTheGod put in one last potshot from 35-yards out. It was beautifully struck, and Petr Cech could get nowhere near it. It had gone firmly into the bottom corner.

JoseTheGod's reaction was questionable. He looked furious with himself, and pleaded with referee Stuart Attwell to disallow it for offside. Attwell refused.

Only one major moment occurred during Extra-time, with superyids forced to make an unbelieveable stop from Frank Lampard's superb header.

The game went to penalties. First up was WACCOE, who struck his penalty firmly past the flailing Cech.

Salomon Kalou's effort was poor however, and Superyids made a comfortable save. The Gimps had the advantage.

The next penalty for the Gimps was also saved. Wingman's kick was struck well but Cech made an equally good stop.

Florent Malouda levelled the scores up, sending superyids the wrong way.

JoseTheGod placed his central very carefully, but Petr Cech dived over the ball and missed it completely, and it went in. The Gimps captain broke down in tears.

Goalscorer Ashley Cole couldn't repeat his frotunes and blasted the ball against the bar. It was 2-1 to the Gimps after three penalties each.

dylthomas placed his shot nicely to place all the pressure on Chelsea.

And then Michael Ballack couldn't keep Chelsea in the game. His penalty was strong, but superyids made a stunning save to win the Gimps XI the GA Cup.

It's the Gimps' first ever GA Cup win, in a season of turbulence for the club. With many players being banned for drug use, and points being deducted for fielding ineligible players, the manager and players will liekly be pleased to have pulled through it with a trophy.



Gimps XI

GK: superyids

DR: lennon999
DC: Taz
DC: The Serbinator
DL: TwentyLegend

MR: Wingman
MC: JoseTheGod
MC: WACCOE
ML: scouse mouse

ST: dylthomas
ST: warnocksminder

Goals: dylthomas 32', JoseTheGod 54', 90'

Booked: WACCOE, JoseTheGod, scouse mouse

Chelsea

GK: Petr Cech

DR: Jose Bosingwa
DC: John Terry
DC: Alex
DL: Ashley Cole

MC: Michael Ballack
MC: Michael Essien

AMR: Florent Malouda
AMC: Frank Lampard
AML: Joe Cole

ST: Nicolas Anelka (Didier Drogba 58')

Goals: The Serbinator 21' (OG), Anelka 28', A. Cole 64'

Booked: Essien, A. Cole, Terry

Off: Drogba (58)

Referee: G. Poll (S Attwell 46')

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3/6/09 (Trial Manager: OptimusPrime) Gimps XI 2-1 Scotland

Managerial candidate OptimusPrime leads the Gimps to a victory against the odds by beating a much fancied Scotland.

Just days after the GA Cup Final the Gimps were unchanged an won thanks to an outstanding individual display from Wingman.

Wingman ran the show from the midfield where he was up against the likes of Darren Fletcher and Scott Brown. His clever passing and attacking movements proved that he is one of the Gimps best players.

The game started badly for the Gimps XI. With Kenny Miller recieving the ball in his own half, he managed to dribble his way past the entire Gimps defence and calmly slotted it under the outstretched superyids.

The momentum of the game soon changed though, with OptimusPrime threatening to set Megatron on the team, the Gimps managed to start playing some decent passing football around the Scots.

However the Gimps only managed to create their first chance of the game in the 22nd minute when scouse mouse played through dylthomas who could only fire the ball onto the crossbar from 25 yards. Minutes later Wingman collected the ball by the Scottish corner flag and dribbled his way past Alan Hutton before curling the ball round Craig Gordon and into the top corner.

The Gimps had the chance to take the lead just before half time with Wingman playing in a cross for warnocksminder to only head straight at Gordon.

After half time the Scotland team looked fired up and willing to win at all costs. This soon became evident when Stephen McManus launched himself towards the goal-line to clear DG's shot.

The Cockpit seemed quiet as the team became more cautious in their build up play. This allowed Scotland to come at the Gimps and very nearly took the lead from a Scott Brown header.

JoseTheGod then had a shot from the half way line which Craig Gordon could only push past the post. The resultant corner was met by the head of The Serbinator which found its way past the 4 players Scotland had placed on the line to give the Gimps the lead.

With five minutes remaining, Scotland were reduced to nine men in extraordinary circumstances. scouse mouse managed to beat the offside trap only for Alan Hutton and Gary Caldwell to race back and each grab one of the wingers legs and pull him back. Referee Stuart Attwell had no choice but to send both players off.

The final whistle blew and with it came a loud roar from the capacity Gimps crowd and a smile crept to OptimusPrime's face.

The Gimps XI captain, Wingman, was pleased that OptimusPrime had managed to get the victory, "After all his time working with me and the rest of the squad I am glad that he has finally been given the chance to take charge of First Team affairs, even if it's just for a game."

Gimps XI

GK: superyids

DR: lennon999
DC: Taz
DC: The Serbinator
DL: TwentyLegend

MR: Wingman (C)
MC: JoseTheGod
MC: DG
ML: scouse mouse

ST: dylthomas
ST: warnocksminder

Goals: Wingman 26', The Serbinator 83'

Scotland

GK: Craig Gordon

DR: Alan Hutton
DC: Stephen McManus
DC: Gary Caldwell
DL: Gary Naysmith

RM: James Morrison
CM: Darren Fletcher
CM: Scott Brown
LM: Ross McCormack

CF: Kenny Miller
CF: Steven Fletcher

Goals: Kenny Miller 3'

Off: Alan Hutton (86), Gary Caldwell (86)

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7/6/09 (Trial Manager: DG) Gimps XI 0-5 Rangers

DG's chances of being the Gimps XI manager is very unlikely after a classy Rangers performance blew the Gimps away.

Days before the game, Taz left the club after too much trolling got him axed leaving DG in huge crisis over his selection. He managed to get the Ned Guy and Stcoop a contract.

Rangers in the other hand were in all party mood after a title and a cup win.

It only look the Light Blues 58 seconds to score. David Weir powerfully headed Steven Davis's corner past superyids.

The Gimps did dominate most of the first half, but disaster struck 2 minutes before half time.

Steven Davis danced through the midfield and make a crisp pass to Kenny Miller. Miller was then fouled by Wingman who got sent off. Kris Boyd stepped forward and scored the resulting penalty.

The Gimps then got a penalty 3 minutes into the second half after Steven Whittaker brought down Scouse Mouse. Dyl LFC took the penalty, but struck the post.

Rangers were 3-0 up 7 minutes later. Some good passing work from the midfield gave Kyle Lafferty a chance to score. The Northern Irishman chipped it over the helpless superyids.

Lafferty was then sent off 2 minutes later. The Serbinator gave him a nasty punch resulting in Lafferty with a broken nose. He was sent off for a dive.

The 4th goal came with 10 minutes left. Super sub Nacho Novo proved again why he should always play after an ace header from Sasa Papac's long throw.

It was 5-0 with 4 minutes to spare. Pedro Mendes hit a 30 yard belter. Superyids was on the other hand to busy playing with himself after seeing the ex Spurs man.

DG then blamed his lack of motivation for the defeat.

"I was too busy headbanging and doing 10 second snogs, I rarely had my mind on this game"

"None of the players deserve any stick, it should be me"


Gimps XI

GK: superyids

DR: lennon999
DC: The NedGuy
DC: The Serbinator
DL: TwentyLegend

MR: Wingman (C)
MC: JoseTheGod
MC: Stcoop
ML: scouse mouse

ST: dylthomas
ST: warnocksminder

Goals: None

Booked: None

Sent off: Wingman 43

Rangers

GK: Neil Alexander

DR: Steven Whittaker
DC: David Weir
DC: Madjid Bougherra
DL: Sasa Papac

MR: Steven Davis
MC: Pedro Mendes
MC: Barry Ferguson
ML: Kyle Lafferty

ST: Kris Boyd (Novo 62)
ST: Kenny Miller

Goals: Weir 1, Boyd 43, Lafferty 55, Novo 80, Mendes 85

Booked: None

Sent off: Lafferty 57

Referee: Iain Brines

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9/6/09 (Trial Manager: JackSUFC) Argentina 3-3 Gimps XI

JackSUFC did his chances of becoming manager no harm after a two priceless injury time goals gave the Gimps an unlikely draw in Buenos Aires.

The stand in boss made just one change to the side that lost 5-0 to Rangers, bringing in DG for the drugs cheat Stcoop, it proved to be a inspired switch as the Gimps veteran gave an impressive display in midfield, unlike his performance as manager on Sunday.

Argentina started the better side, passing it around the tired looking Gimps side and forced superyids into some fine saves.

But 10 minutes from half-time, TwentyLegend's misplaced pass went straight to Sergio Aguero, who chipped superyids from 25 yards to make it 1-0.

The Gimps looked down and out and with a minute to go in the first half, Lionel Messi started a run on the half-way line, beating four Gimps players before rounding the keeper and sloting into an empty net.

HT : 2-0.

The Gimps came out alot stronger in the second half and scored after 5 minutes, Wingman's cross finding warnocksminder who headed home from six yards out. The Gimps looked likely to draw level and it this time it was some great midfield play by DG, picking out dylthomas who saw his shot saved by the keeper.

Not happy with his side's performance, Diego Maradona brought himself on, but just a few minutes later, after exchanging a few words with TheSerbinator, he was sent off for headbutting the Gimps defender. He then walked off the pitch and started crying on the touchline.

When the Gimps looked likely to score, disaster struck, Argentina hit them on the break and Lionel Messi scored his second of the game, curling the ball in from the edge of the box.

But it wasn't over yet. With a minute to go the Gimps scored, JoseTheGod played in warnocksminder, who saw his shot saved by the keeper but dylthomas made up for his earlier miss by sloting the ball into an empty net. The fourth official the added on 4 minutes of stoppage time and amazingly the Gimps scored. Under no pressure, Javier Zanetti put it out for a corner, every player on the pitch was in the box when the ball came into the box. Out of nowhere, scousemouse rose above the rest, headed the ball onto the underside of bar, before superyids handled it across the line, although the Argentina players prepared for a free-kick, the referee said the ball was headed in and gave the goal to the Gimps, sparking the Gimps into wild celebrations.

The Argentina crowd went mad and started rioting, the game finished and the Gimps team quickly drove out the staduim and flew back to England. JackSUFC was unavalible to comment, but is understood to be delighted with the draw.

FT - 3-3.

Gimps XI

GK: superyids

DR: lennon999
DC: The NedGuy
DC: The Serbinator
DL: TwentyLegend

MR: Wingman
MC: JoseTheGod
MC: DG (C)
ML: scouse mouse

ST: dylthomas
ST: warnocksminder

Goals: warnocksminder '50, dylthomas '89, superyids '90+4

Booked: None

Sent off: None

Argentina

GK: Carrizo

DR: Javier Zanetti
DC: Burdisso
DC: Demichelis
DL: Heinze

MR: Rodriguez
MC: Mascherano (C)
MC: Cambiasso
ML: Messi

ST: Aguero
ST: Tevez (Maradona '60)


Goals: Aguero '35, Messi '44 '76

Booked: None

Sent off: Maradona '62

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12/6/09 (Trial Manager: 'Uddersfield) Gimps X1 14 – 1 Andorra Under 15 Boys Team {abandoned on 46 mins}

Before this thrilling encounter of two of the premier footballing sides in the world, much was said about ‘Uddersfield’s managerial talent and this was proved to be correct as he lead a rampant Gimps X1 team to score 14 goals in just one half.

Commenting on public support, ‘Uddersfield said, “It is all pleasing, and definitely all justified as I am, as the French call it, the dogs bollocks. Bleaks’ support is especially pleasing, as I feel I have an extremely strong connection with Kenya as I can point out Africa on a map, so I have invited the supporters club to the match to witness a performance that will surely do us proud”.

Despite his earlier claims of a complete reshuffle, for this match ‘Uddersfield opted for a traditional line-up with a couple of promising unknowns and a radical change of formation. A more attacking 4-3-3 included the cretinous Bees For Ever in the heart of the defence, Leeds Lad Traz returning in the centre of midfield to fill the void his alter ego WACCOE left and an Unknown French (ginger) trialist taking a place up front, with DG operating in an unconventional forward role as ‘Uddersfield believed his “hard” image would suit the game against tough opponents.

It was a somewhat low-key start to the game, with Gimps X1 up 5-0 in the first 5 minutes. The selection of the French trialist was key, as he scored 3 simple tap ins within the opening stages, provided Wingman with a header and set up Jose The God for one of his typical 30 yard screamers. The worrying signs for this particular trialist were regarding litter, as several Kronny Rouge cans were increasingly scattered around the Andorran penalty area during the clash.

As the game progressed, Gimps X1 took the game by the scruff of the neck and simply dominated. 5 more goals followed, all from corners, as the two centre backs scored a couple of bicycle kicks each and Wingman popped up for another with a back post header, which prompted several of the Andorran team to immaturely start crying. Their parents in the crowd began to leave in disgust, and as the numbers diminished below 1,000, Bees For Ever left the pitch in disgust, as he refused to play in a match where there were less than 1,000 away fans were in attendances. He was heard to mutter “Tinpot scum” as he departed.

The Gimps then bagged another 4 in simple circumstances, with scouse mouse scoring a curling free kick into the bottom corner of the net, Traz scoring a deflected daisy cutter and The Serbinator bagging another two near post Vidic-esque headers. He celebrated this by revealing a Felipe Caicedo mask, and running around the side of the pitch, dropping his shorts and wind milling at his adoring fans. However, in the closing stages of the first half, controversy erupted.

The Andorran captain quite clearly scored an own goal, which should have made it 15-0, however, somewhat bizarrely, the referee awarded the goal to Andorra. The Gimps were furious, and DG was sent off for his protests, and he was said to have screamed: “What just happened here is very very weird. The Andorran player..just scored an own goal. Not a spectacular own goal..but it’s actually a Lyon…I mean Andorran goal. Can you believe this?”. It wasn’t justified, as some nang goalkeeping by superyids had kept the Gimps in the game.

After half time, things came to a climatic ending, as the lion that had previously disrupted the Kenyan Supporter Clubs press conference had clearly followed them to the Cockpit, and ran onto the pitch and began mauling the players and fans, until everyone evacuated. It was a sad end to a well contested match, however the scoreline was awarded to the Gimps for a well deserved victory, and one which will do ‘Uddersfield’s chances of obtaining the managerial spot no harm whatsoever.

TEAM:

GK: superyids

DR: lennon999 DC: Bees For Ever DC: The Serbinator DL: TwentyLegend

MC: JoseTheGod MC: LeedsLadTraz MC: scouse mouse

ST: Wingman ST: DG ST: Unknown French Trialist

------------------------------

Goals: Serbinator x 4, Bees For Ever x 2, UFT x 3, Jose The God, Scouse Mouse, Wingman x 2, Traz

Red Cards: DG

Bookings: Serbinator, Jose, lennon999​

The Andorran U15 Boys Team cannot be disclosed for legal reasons, and also for sentimental reasons, as several have been buried under the CockPit stadium in the pieces that they were found. R.I.P.

Attendances
After 10 mins: 24,000
After 46 min : 1 lion.


PRESS TALK:

‘Uddersfield : “I picked this friendly as I feel the other friendlies that were picked by other candidates were pathetic and they weren’t showing any adventure or trying to put the team in difficult situations. The fact that we beat a team that is, undeniably, world class in every aspect shows that we have a good base here and that I am the one to take them forward. Make no mistake, the Andorran kids are no mugs.”

“I would be happy to see AB2002 get the job, however not at my expense. I feel the voters should vote for someone with forum presence, rather than voting for the Leader of the Gimps themselves, as it would be a massive mistake. WhoIzzet should also consider picking the new manager himself, as FF is no democracy.”


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14/6/09 (Trial Manager: AB2002) Gimps XI 4 - England Legends XI 3

Wembley Stadium
Sunday 14 June
Attendance 58 (reduced to 57).


A Paul Parker own goal in the dying seconds – eerily reminiscent of West Germany’s goal in the 1990 World Cup semi-final – won a thrilling contest for the Gimps XI at Wembley Stadium today although the Gimps will rue the huge financial loss from the showpiece event after a London Underground strike shrunk the estimated attendance to just 58 people, 34 of whom were a coach trip of women believing this to be Wembley Arena and expecting to see Cliff Richard.

The England Legends XI started the livelier of the two sides and a crisp drive from Gary Lineker in the opening minute forced superyids to tip the ball over and from the resulting corner The Serbinator reacted quickest to block a shot from Peter Beardsley. The combined ugliness in the resulting face-snarling caused a member of the Cliff Richard coach trip to suffer a fatal heart attack. Play was held up for ten minutes to allow Paul Gascoigne to attempt to resuscitate the 60-something although rumours are also abound that Gazza may have been pissed and simply “fancied his chances”. The attendance was reduced to 57 as a result of the deceased.

The Gimps took the lead against the run of play when a through-ball from captain JoseTheGod saw DG beat the offside trap and slide the ball past a sprawling David Seaman. Tony Adams appealed for offside and despite the near-side linesman’s unwillingness to get it up, Seaman still found himself in a sticky situation and came out way too early. DG dedicated the goal to the countless other immense Scottish performers on Wembley’s hallowed turf. It is assumed he meant Rod Stewart at Live Aid.

England Legends captain, Gary Lineker was controversially shown his first ever career yellow card mid-way through the first half after turning his head too quickly and flapping his opposite number warnocksminder with an ear. Warnocksminder was fifty yards away in the opposing penalty area at the time.

With the half-time whistle approaching England stalwarts Tony Daley and Carlton Palmer teamed up beautifully in the final third which allowed Stuart Pearce to deliver a curling cross from the left for Gazza to volley home from twelve yards. It was no more than the Legends deserved and gave prospective Gimps manager AB2002 some serious thinking during the half-time break.

After the restart, an ugly clash of heads between scouse mouse and Terry Butcher resulted in fifteen stitches for the mouse and a quick swig of whisky for Butcher. Butcher continued to play on while gradually filling the Legends penalty area with eighteen litres of blood. Tony Adams took the opportunity of the break in play for a quick £3,000 flutter on the 4:30 at Kempton and 26 pints of lager.

The Gimps regained the lead on 52 minutes when the hapless Palmer brought down Wingman in the penalty area and LeedsLadTraz sent Seaman the wrong way.

But their lead lasted barely two minutes when lennon999 felled Gazza with a thud on the edge of the area. Rumours that the resulting tremor could be felt in Cornwall are as yet unfounded. John Barnes curled in the free kick from the edge of the box and celebrated by team up with Nelly for a new rap single – working title It’s Getting’ Hot in Tranmerre.

TwentyLegend picked up a booking on the hour mark for scything down Beardsley. This however, seemed to do nothing but spur on the defender and a Hollywood 50 yard pass to Wingman saw Wingman turn inside Pearce and curling a beautiful left-footed shot past Seaman to restore the Gimps’ advantage. 3-2 up and all to play for.

The Legends piled everything forward in the final ten minutes and appeared to have rescued a point when Lineker scored a freak goal with just minutes remaining. Confusion in the Gimps’ penalty area saw two air swipes from the central defensive partnership of Bees For Ever and The Serbinator and Lineker pounced on the loose ball to slot it home from six yards. There was nothing superyids could have done and trainee manager AB made his feelings known to his defenders, under the belief that his hopes of landing the job on a permanent basis were fading fast.

However, AB gave himself a massive lifeline in the fourth minute of injury time when Palmer felled LeedsLadTraz. Which allowed scouse mouse to lay the free kick off to JoseTheGod. Parker immediately sprinted out of the wall to block Jose’s shot and the ball bounced off of his outstretched foot and sailed over the flailing Seaman. Echoes of 1990 were abound for Parker who immediately left the field in trauma.

After the match AB had this to say: “Although competition for the vacant manager’s position is tough in the extreme, I hope that the Gimps fans and WhoIzzet can appreciate the time and commitment that I have put into organising this prestigious game against the legends of our beautiful game. Matters out of my control have unfortunately made this a financial loss for the lads but credit to the commitment they showed in front of a paltry crowd – most of whom were only interested in singing Congratulations to celebrate each goal.”

AB2002 faces stiff competition from ‘Uddersfield and OptimusPrime for the position and is believed to be the outsider, having not yet received any public celebrity or regional backing.

GK 1 - superyids
DR 999 - lennon999
DC 4 - Bees for Ever
DC 15 - The Serbinator
DL 20 - TwentyLegend
MR 7 - Wingman
MC 8 - JoseTheGod (c)
MC 14 - LeedsLadTraz
ML 19andcounting - scouse mouse
ST 9 - DG
ST 10 - warnocksminder

Goals: DG (10), LeedsLadTraz (pen, 52), Wingman (61), Parker (og, 90+4)
Booked: TwentyLegend (60)

GK 1 - David Seaman
DR 2 - Paul Parker
DC 6 - Terry Butcher
DC 5 - Tony Adams
DL 3 - Stuart Pearce
MR 18 - Tony Daley
MC 19 - Paul Gascoigne
MC 12 - Carlton Palmer
ML 11 - John Barnes
ST 10 - Gary Lineker (c)
ST 9 - Peter Beardsley

Goals: Gascoigne (44), Barnes (54), Lineker (87)
Booked: Lineker (23)

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AB2002 Becomes Permanent Manager

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Pre-Season Friendly: (30/7/09) Gimps XI 3 - Mediocre Relatives FC 0

The Ditler (16)
Bumpkins (38)
Riggy (70)

The Gimps warmed up in style for the 2009/10 season with a comfortable friendly victory over Mediocre Relatives FC at the Cock Pit.

The Gimps attacked the home fans in the Bell End in the first half and set out their credentials early when debutant Emprical caught Nicky Summerbee in possession and delivered a cross which JoseTheGod fired just over from the edge of the area. Kaspar Schmeichel also pulled off a fine save from Apocalyptic in the opening ten minutes but it didn't take long for the Gimps to open the scoring.

A rampaging run from AdzSAFC saw The Ditler in acres of space and the striker wasted no time in sliding the ball under Schmeichel's body to raise the roof from the home support. Ditler also managed to slide a photograph of Kaspar's father into the hapless goalkeeper's grasp, supported by a return address.

On the half-hour mark Paul Terry was adjudged to have brought down Lockie on the edge of the area and new impressive signing Bumpkins fired the resulting free kick into the net off the cross bar. It is not believed to be the first occasion that Bumpkins has hit the bar and found his final balls behind a young Dane.

Manager AB2002 chose to make wholesale changes at half time to give his new squad the maximum possible exposure before the new season gets underway although it was the Relatives - affectionately nicknamed the Shits-Off-The-Old-Block - who started the brighter in the second half.

Darren Ferguson fed Jordi Cruyff a lovely through ball and it took a fantastic reflex save from new Australian goalkeeper Jonny27 to maintain the Gimps two-goal cushion.

After a stern ticking off for LeedsLadTraz for backtalking to Graham Poll, the Gimps chose to throw caution to the wind and go all out for a third goal.

It eventually came through youngster Riggy whose mazy run found Warnocksminder on the edge of the six yard box to give the Gimps a 3-0 lead with 20 minutes remaining. The remainder of the game tended to fizzle out boring pre-seson friendly style which gave all involved a well-deserved chance for forty winks.

AB was pleased with his side's preparations for the new season and his enthusiasm seems to have a knock-on effect with a good spirit reverberating around the squad.

The Gimps will get their league campaign underway with a match-up against newly-promoted Unfortunately Named XI at Gay Meadow on 8 August.

Line-ups:

Gimps XI:

First half:
GK - 1 - superyids
DR - 18 - bumpkins
DC - 15 - The Serbinator
DC - 4 - Bees for Ever
DL - 3 - AdzSAFC
MR - 17 - Emprical
MC - 8 - JoseTheGod (c)
MC - 6 - Apocalyptic
ML - 11 - Lockie
ST - 9 - DG
ST - 16 - The Ditler

Second half:
GK - 27 - Jonny27
DR - 2 - KalamazooClaret
DC - 999 - lennon999
DC - 5 - SpursLegend
DL - 20 - TwentyLegend
MR - 12 - The Guardian
MC - 14 - LeedsLadTraz
MC - 6 - Apocalyptic (c)
ML - 19 - scouse mouse
ST - 10 - warnocksminder
ST - 13 - Riggy

Mediocre Relatives FC:

GK - 1 - Kaspar Schmeichel
DR - 18 - Phil Neville
DC - 5 - Scott Gemmill
DC - 6 - Nicky Summerbee
DL - 3 - Ben Wilkinson
MR - 7 - Paul Dalglish
MC - 4 - Paul Terry
MC - 8 - Jordi Cruyff (c)
ML - 11 - Darren Ferguson
ST - 9 - Nigel Clough
ST - 10 - Bradley Wright-Phillips

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18/8/09 Unfortunately Named XI 3 - 2 Gimps XI

Wankdorff Stadium: Attendance 12,369

The Gimps suffered a major blow as they went down 3-2 to the newly-promoted Unfortunately Named XI in their opening game of the season. The Gimps were by far the better side throughout but two goalkeeping howlers from Superyids has put his place in a lot of doubt as manager AB considers giving a full debut to Jonny27 in his place. AB also gave Rio_Ferdinand a full debut at the back alongside The Serbinator - Bees for Ever dropping to the bench.

After some early penetration in the form of The Guardian, Emprical gave the Gimps the lead midway through the first half with a delightful chip over the advancing Quim. It was no more than the Gimps deserved and the GA Cup holders looked well on their way to opening their new account with a win.

However, the Unfortunate's were certainly not overawed by their more illustrious teammates and Johan de Kock sent the home support into a frenzy with a headed goal on the stroke of half time to send the teams in level. Superyids making his first, but not his last mistake of the afternoon, flapped at a corner swung in by Badran al Shagran and de Kock was there to poke the ball into the bottom corner, despite the best efforts of JoseTheGod to stop the ball on the line.

AB made a change at half time by bringing on The Ditler in place of the ineffectual Warnocksminder and the substitute almost had an immediate impact after the break after a neat ball from Apocalyptic resulted in a thunderous 25-yard volley from the Ditler rattling the crossbar.

DG picked up his first booking of the season for a late challenge on Danny Shittu but quickly redeemed himself after good work by AdzSAFC down the left resulted in a outswinging cross which DG headed in at the far post.

However, disaster then struck for the Gimps when an innocuous backpass from Bumpkins caught superyids asleep (literally) and Uwe Fuchs rounded the goalkeeper to level things up with twelve minutes remaining.

The Gimps were shellshocked and seemed to still be placing blame on superyids when Francisco Arce dribbled the length of the field to fire a winning goal low into the bottom corner. The home crowd were ecstatic and the Gimps were left to lick their wounds.

There was no way back for the Gimps and bumpkins was the victim of a late substitution - caused by an erection from reading "De Kock, Fuchs, Arce" on the electronic scoreboard.

Unfortunately Named XI

GK - 12 – Quim
DR – 2 - Francisco Arce (goal 81')
DC – 18 - Johan de Kock (goal 45')
DC – 24 - Danny Shittu
DL – 3 - Julian Dicks
MC – 7 - Rod Fanni
MC – 22 - Nicky Butt
MC – 13 - Michael Ballack (c)
ST – 9 - Badran al Shagran
ST – 11 - Stefan K untz
ST – 10 - Uwe Fuchs (goal 78')

Gimps XI

GK - 1 - superyids
DR - 18 - bumpkins
DC - 15 - The Serbinator
DC - 29 - Rio_Ferdinand
DL - 3 - AdzSAFC
MR - 17 - Emprical (goal 22')
MC - 8 - JoseTheGod (c)
MC - 6 - Apocalyptic
ML - 11 - Lockie
ST - 9 - DG (goal 51')
ST - 10 - warnocksminder

Subs:
ST - 16 - The Ditler (for warnocksminder) 46'
DR - 2 - KalamazooClaret (for bumpkins) 90'

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4/9/09 The Smiths 1 – 3 Gimps XI

The Gimps XI secured a much-needed win to kick start their season but the victory was overshadowed by an unsavoury incident at half-time involving the Gimps’ young striker Riggy. More on that a bit later.

Gimps manager AB was forced into replacing influential captain JoseTheGod who is serving a one-match suspension and despite loud clamours from the Cockpit faithful to award the captaincy to debutant Kev-NuFc, it was Rio_Ferdinand who took to the field as AB’s choice to don the armband.

Today’s opponent The Smiths were the underdogs going into the game but started the much brighter of the two teams and Watford’s Tommy Smith headed over early on from a Jimmy Smith free kick. A poor backpass from TwentyLegend provided the former Arsenal striker Alan Smith with a glorious chance just three minutes later but Jonny27 dived early at his feet to deny the ugly lanky annoying pundit.

Third time lucky then struck though for The Smiths and Kevin Smith fed onto a long through-ball from Morrissey to toe-poke the ball into the bottom corner of the net. Newcastle’s Alan Smith celebrated the goal by giving Assistant Manager Jim Smith a full-on smacker on the lips.

AB, screaming from the touchline looked to spur on his troops but it was not until five minutes before half-time that the equaliser came. Lockie dummying Adam Smith to feed The Ditler through who went down under a challenge from Liverpool’s Tommy Smith and The Guardian fired in the resulting penalty.

On the stroke of half-time the Gimps took the lead when |Rover|’s corner was headed into the far corner by The Serbinator. The pitiful zonal marking caused Smiths’ manager Walter Smith to fume at his defence as the whistle blew for half-time.

After seeing her beloved side throw any a lead in such a manner, Smith’s shareholder Delia Smith took to the field at half-time in a drunken stupor, blissfully unaware of the effect on Arsenal Ladies’ Kelly Smith. Gimps substitute Riggy followed Kelly Smith into the ladies changing room and upon hearing Delia’s cry of “Let’s be ‘avin’ you!!!” is alleged to have whispered to Kelly “that sounds like a good idea”.

Kelly Smith arrived five minutes late for the kick-off for the second half after some frantic pulling up of her lady shorts and her blonde hair in a suggestive state of disarray, Riggy grinning on from the away dugout throughout.

Kelly Smith’s concentration never seemed to recover throughout the second half and Kev-NuFc rounded off his debut with a cool finish four minutes from time.

After the match, Gimps manager AB was seen to pleased to secure the team’s first win of the season but stressed the disciplining of Riggy would remain an internal manner.

AB stated “Obviously, we are disappointed with the behaviour of Riggy and before the GA look into this matter, I am keen to stress that Riggy will be dealt with internally as appropriate. I am to meet with him early next week when myself and Riggy will probe it further.”

Kelly Smith ran for cover upon overhearing the final five words of that sentence.

GK – 27 – Jonny27
DR – 18 - |Rover|
DC – 29 – Rio_Ferdinand (c)
DC – 15 – The Serbinator
DL – 20 – TwentyLegend
MR – 12 – The Guardian
MC – 6 – Kev-NuFc
MC – 4 – Bees for Ever
ML – 11 – Lockie
ST – 16 – The Ditler
ST – 9 – DG

Goals – The Guardian (40 pen), The Serbinator (45), Kev-NuFc (86).

GK – 1 – Paul Smith (Nottm Forest)
DC – 2 – Adam Smith (Boston)
DC – 5 – Tommy Smith (ex-Liverpool)
DC – 6 – Morrissey (The Smiths) (c)
MR – 7 – Tommy Smith (Watford)
MC – 11 – Kelly Smith (Arsenal Ladies)
MC – 17 – Alan Smith (Newcastle)
ML – 10 – Jimmy Smith (ex-Newcastle)
ST – 20 – Kevin Smith (Dundee Utd)
ST – 8 – Gary Smith (Darlington)
ST – 9 – Alan Smith (ex-Arsenal)

Goal – Kevin Smith (13).

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5/11/09 Gimps XI 1 - 3 Gits XI

GK – 27 – Jonny27
DR – 18 - |Rover|
DC – 19 – Gibby
DC – 15 – The Serbinator
DL – 20 – TwentyLegend
MR – 12 – The Guardian
MC – 8 – JoseTheGod (c)
MC – 4 – Bees for Ever
ML – 11 – Lockie
ST – 10 – warnocksminder (sub 16 – The Ditler)
ST – 9 – DG
Goal: JoseTheGod (pen 3’)

GK – 1 – Harald Schumacher
DR – 2 – Gary Neville
DC – 6 – Chris Morgan
DC – 23 – Sol Campbell
DL – 33 – Ben Thatcher
MR – 18 – El Hadji Diouf
MC – 8 – Robbie Savage
MC – 7 – Joey Barton
ML – 9 – Cristiano Ronaldo
ST – 30 – Marlon King (c)
ST – 19 – Lee Hughes
Goals: King (40’, 85’), Ronaldo (82’)

Increasing pressure on the board and manager, the departure of several key players and a distinct lack of match practice all took their toll on the Gimps as they were overwhelmed by bitter rivals The Gits XI in their first game for months.

Manager AB2002 has remained defiant and promised to fight for his job despite the obvious calls of “AB Out” from Benzel in the Bell End. Technical Director WhoIzzet has refused to comment on speculation that AB’s time may be up.

The Gimps started the brighter of the two sides and took a lead in only the third minute when warnocksminder was drop-kicked by Harald Schumacher and had to be substituted with a broken buttock. Stuart Atwell consulted his linesman as he was busy scoffing on a bacon sandwich at the time and awarded the penalty to the Gimps. Amazingly Schumacher escaped with just a booking for a deliberate attempt to end Warnock’s career. A recall for club captain JoseTheGod paid dividends when slotting the spot kick directly down the centre of the goal.

The Gits threatened immediately and Joey Barton hit the crossbar with a vicious drive (vicious being Barton’s speciality) and Jonny27 had to be at full stretch to keep out an El Hadji Diouf header for which he received a gob full of saliva for his efforts.

DG latched onto the end of a cross from The Guardian, outjumping Ben Thatcher but his header sailed just wide of Schumacher’s upright.

The Gits went into the break level as Robbie Savage intercepted a poor pass from Lockie to send Marlon King through on goal. King outsprinted Gibby and rounded Jonny27 to equalise.

After the break, The Gimps lack of match practice showed as they run out of stamina in the final ten minutes to allow the Gits to claim all three points.

Firstly, a thunderous free kick from Cristiano Ronaldo and a second cool finish from King meant the Cock Pit faithful would be going home empty-handed.

A chorus of boos greeted the final whistle and AB was left to face the media and answer his critics.

AB said “I can understand the fans’ reaction at the final whistle but it is important that the club sticks together at this difficult time. While my dealings in the market have been somewhat muted recently, rest assured I only have the wellbeing of the Gimps at heart and will endeavour to turn around this spell.”

Former Tranmere manager John Barnes is the bookmakers favourite to replace AB should WhoIzzet decide to dispense with his services.

 

It would be helpful.

 

These are all good, but unless you give the links, I can't comment.